By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Wow. Kerry Wood is supposedly retiring. I’m not surprised at the decision, though I am at the timing. Sort of out of nowhere, even though anyone who has played tee-ball could see Wood just doesn’t belong in the game anymore.
I’m not sad by any means—I was done with him a while back, remember? But it does make me reflective as all sports retirements tend to do. The 20 K game is still the best I’ve ever watched. Wood’s playoff home run vs. the Marlins in 2003 made me scream louder and jump higher than any sports moment ever has.
Make no mistake, though. Wood is no hero. He belongs not on any Cubbie Mt. Rushmore. He was very good at times, very bad at many others. He is a god amongst those who revere a lot of the stupidity that goes along with “Cubs lore,” and an integral part of what amounts to a franchise’s awful history.
I hope he gets a job in the radio broadcast booth and soon. Keith Moreland is insufferable, sorry (it’s “STARLIN,” not “STARLING,” you hayseed. He’s only the face of the franchise.) Wood seems bright enough and capable of talking shop, and Pat Hughes would certainly help give him polish.
So many things are flying through my head about this right now. Did Theo lay the smack down? How much did Wood’s snapping at veteran beat reporter Paul Sullivan have to do with this, and did Cubs PR people have a talk with him and make him realize he needs to save the Kerry Wood Brand while there still is one? Why did his wife let the cat out of the bag with her tweets hinting at the retirement? Will Wood pitch Friday vs. the White Sox as he is rumored to want to do, and what would that even be like? Is it selfish of him to steal the thunder of the Crosstown Series weekend with this announcement?
It’ll all get sorted out by and by, I guess. Adios, Kid K.
On to your questions. All emails and tweets are unedited.
Any early contenders for condescending knickname of the Vikings new stadium? #TFMB—@RedNedLynch
I came up with a few…
“The House That Changed The Locks On McNabb”
“Minnesota Fat Tax”
“The Purple Nurple”
… and then opened it up to others for their ideas. Many were far too vulgar for print (I thought Minnesotans were supposed to be uberpolite folks.)
“The Yayoubetcha Dome”—Brian Brophy
“I’m Comfortable in Wranglers Field”—Eric Panick
“The Duluth Trading Company presents Ballroom Jeans Stadium”—Kyle Pekny
“Hennepin-for-a-penny-in-for-a-pound Park.”—Gregory Fitch
“Gopher Broke Field”—Kaitlin C. Montgomery
“Valhalla Hall”—Bill Ding
“Target Stadium”—Ryan Sudol
#TFMB Should the Blackhawks deal Patrick Kane while his value is sky high in order to patch other holes (goalie)—@brettslama
My immediate reaction is no. Kane is just too damn good at hockey, and I doubt the Blackhawks would get equal value in return.
Remember, other teams know about Kane’s dumbassery, so his trade value is most likely not as high as his talent. He would be considered as much of a liability to another squad as he is to the Hawks, so don’t expect GMs to be banging on Bowman’s door.
While he’s a repeat offender at being publicly very stupid, I’m not ready to cut ties with Kane. If he were a repeat criminal, sure, but as of now he’s only putting himself in various degrees of danger, not breaking the law (or at least being caught doing so.) I really hope this latest round of pictures and stories of him acting like an idiot with a repressed childhood is the last. Surely the Hawks have made it clear to him now that this stuff has to stop, and maybe word getting out that Kane may have aggressively put his hands on an unwilling female will scare him enough to knock this behavior off.
Caddyshack vs. Trading Places #tfmb #AskHerb–@Rat_Farts
Whoa–#AskHerb?! Seriously? You’re lucky I enjoy that segment on Laurence Holmes’ show so much and respect Herb’s wisdom to allow you to spray to all fields like that.
Such a tough call because I love them both, but I’m overall partial to Caddyshack mostly because I spent seven years of my childhood as an actual caddy, and it’s scary how true-to-life that film actually is. It’s a great champion of satire exposing the flaws of reality.
Yes, most country club members are pompous jerks. Yes, there are guys there like Ty Webb. Yes, there’s usually a weird groundskeeper. Yes, there’s sex and drugs and gambling behind the scenes. Yes, the caddymaster is a hardass. Yes, the caddies are the smartest of the lot and often working toward a college scholarship. Yes, there are crazy stories that happen at real country clubs that are not fit to print.
Few films are more quoted than Caddyshack, and while that can be annoying, that usually is the mark of a great film. It was the first great golf-related film, and it skyrocketed Bill Murray into the pantheon of great American comedic actors. Trading Places is awesome, though.
Thanks for emailing, tweeting, and reading. If your question did not get answered this time, that does not necessarily mean I am ignoring it. It may be saved for the next mailbag. Hopefully you’re a slightly better person now than you were ten minutes ago. If not, your loss.
Want your questions answered in a future Mailbag? Email them to firstname.lastname@example.org or tweet them with the hashtag #TFMB. No question, sports or otherwise, is off limits (with certain logistical exceptions, e.g. lots of naughty words or you type in Portuguese or you solicit my death). If you email, please include a signature.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don’t follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago’s Beverly To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.