Baffoe: The Handy Hater’s Guide To The Heat Championship
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By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Hopefully several hours have allowed the anger and stuffed animal choking from the Miami Heat’s title-clinching victory last night to subside for the most part and you’re moving on with your sports fan life.
If not, if you just can’t accept that the Heat are the best team in the NBA and won fair and square, I am here to provide you with a handy list of anti-Heat excuses and reasons to justify your illogical detestation:
- The Heat practically cheated by bringing together three superstars to tilt the board in their favor. LeBron was too weak of heart and soul to stick around Cleveland and wait for management to continue to bungle a supporting cast for him, so he Art Modelled the city, twisted his mustache, and teamed up with Chris Bosh (who should have carried Toronto more, right?), and Dwyane Wade. Good thing you’re not a fan of the 1992 Dream Team, too.
- Michael Jordan was all about doing the best with what he had and never needed to add superstars to help win championships. A two-time All-Star and two-time Defensive Player of the Year in Dennis Rodman is not a definition of a star. You also didn’t hate Rodman prior to his joining the Bulls.
- Bosh is obviously gay. The Heat are all gay. Everybody you hate who is better than you at something has to be gay. When all else fails, go homophobic or effeminate. It’s a great placebo.
- Dwyane Wade can’t even spell his name right. Screw him.
- LeBron now has one ring. One. He deserves no validation until he makes good on that not-hyperbolic-whatsoever proclamation of winning “not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven.” He has to have more rings than Robert Horry before he can be considered legit.
- Skip Bayless famously hates LeBron and the Heat. Agreeing with Skip Bayless is a surefire argument solidifier.
- Do not acknowledge that you wanted LeBron to come to the Bulls two years ago and would have instantly loved him had he done so. He must be a villain. If you’re a Bulls fan who didn’t want LeBron two years ago, be sure to press that and show what an intelligent fan you are valuing some skewed sense of pride over winning.
- This was a shortened season. The playoffs were still the usual length, but win a championship in an 82-game regular season, losers. Those extra 16 games probably would have caused a different outcome.
- The refs made absolutely sure the Heat won. This is David Stern’s NBA after all. Forget that a more rational fixing conspiracy would be making sure the series went seven games because TV money is king. Actually, making sure the Thunder won the series probably propels the “evil Heat can’t win the big one” narrative into next season and gets the NBA another year of viewers licking their chops to see if Miami can fail again. Ignore that. The refs had it in the bag.
- Also, great teams like the Bulls never bitched incessantly at the refs and never got seemingly preferential calls.
- Kevin Durant crying after the Thunder lost showed heart and desire and is what a real winner is made of. How can you not love that guy? Bosh crying last year makes him a bitch.
- LeBron didn’t go to college. Screw him. His mom is also insane and ripe for hilarious, not-overplayed-whatsoever jokes, which invalidates him.
- The Thunder are representatives of all that is good and pure in sports.
- Most of all, the Heat are all completely bad guys. They have to be. There is no other way to complete the movie you want sports to be. Ignore classy vets like Shane Battier and Juwan Howard who have plied their trade “the right way” for years before finally getting their first ring. That hurts the narrative. LeBron chose to go on national TV and do a huge production with the insufferable Jim Gray and kick the city of Cleveland (and collaterally Chicago) in the nuts. He can never, ever be forgiven for such stupidity. He might as well have beaten a woman, been a deadbeat dad, or fired a gun at a strip club. He doesn’t have a criminal record, but he might as well have one. You would gladly take his money if it meant having most sports fans demanding you fail forever and be miserable and have dozens of sidesplitting internet memes about you and have millions of people ready to piss on you for every shot you miss. I cannot stand Wade’s whining on the court and his often haughty demeanor off of it. That nullifies the fact that in important games he has had in the back of his mind a crazy ex-wife who might be a threat to his children as well as the charity work he does. Bosh is an ugly emotional freak show with probably no brain in his head or sense of humor. The Big Three must fit the role of guys in the black hats no matter what.
I hope this list helps in you justify your bitterness. Don’t accept the Heat as deserving for a nanosecond. Happy hating. It sure beats having to pay attention to Chicago baseball.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget, but please don’t follow him in real life. E-mail him at email@example.com. To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.