Ten Foot Mailbag: Which Athlete Would Make The Best Delivery Guy?
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By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) The White Sox are coming off a very impressive sweep of the Texas Rangers, the first team to do that in 2012. Just when the Sox were beginning to make people have serious doubts whether they are legit contenders, they go and take five of seven from the Yankees and Rangers. Sox fans, typically pessimistic as they are, can begin to have realistic playoff expectations now, I think.
And if you want to thank someone for that sweep, thank Texas manager Ron Washington. It seemed fairly karmic that after not selecting a probably-deserving A.J. Pierzynski (deserving statistically, at least—being a jerk didn’t help his cause) that the Sox went off on the Rangers, especially in the 19-2 win where Pierzynski went 3-for-5 with a home run and three RBI. He had a very “(Bleep) you, Washington” look on his mug as he circled the bases.
If the White Sox can come out of the All Star break playing as well as going in to it (assuming they don’t fall apart against the Blue Jays this weekend, which now that I’ve written this means they likely will), you should be excited, Sox fans. Be wary of the Tigers, too, though.
On to your questions. All emails and tweets are unedited:
Which athlete, based on his sport and achievements or follies, would be the best and/or worst delivery guy? #TFMB—@JohnnyDrinky
Karl Malone would be too easy/lame of a pick based on his nickname, wouldn’t it? Plus, he’d probably deliver in an 18-wheeler, which would take forever, and you’d get cold food.
A guy who seems to really appreciate the game—not his, but mine—is Royals outfielder Jeff Francoeur. Earlier this season, “Frenchy”—which is a solid delivery guy name in itself—had twenty personal pizzas sent to bleacher fans in Oakland. It’s one thing to hook up your home crowd, but for Francoeur to buy pizza on the road for fans is pretty cool.
“This is something more than just baseball,” Francoeur said about it. “That right-field section are here every game, they cheer for every (A’s player). They are diehards. I just enjoy them out there. It’s a lot of fun. You don’t get to build relationships like that every day.”
I could say the same about many of my regular customers.
Charles Barkley would be great, too. He’s known as a great tipper and a very nice guy to service industry folks, so he’d likely show hustle and care for your food.
Here’s who would be an awful delivery guy—wide receiver Roy Williams. Five years ago, Williams’ dumb ass said in an interview that he doesn’t tip pizza delivery guys. He caught a lot of heat for it and rightly so. In order to make up for it, he agreed to become a delivery guy for a day.
Thing about non-tippers like Williams is, in my experience, that when they get called out for it they rarely change their tipping habits. I don’t care that Williams has said he’s supposedly learned his lesson and values tipping drivers. Most will continue to be awful people and exploit a guy like me driving a meal to their houses for free. Some will even go so far as to pick up the food rather than have to tip, and that’s fine by me, even if it’s pathetic.
Chicagoans know about the cheapness of beloved sports figures Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen, but read up on other famous non-tippers like Tiger Woods and Lebron James. All those guys are widely known as cheap jerks, yet by most accounts have yet to let public knowledge of that change their tipping habits. Someone who doesn’t appreciate the importance of tipping well wouldn’t appreciate the delivery racket.
Dear TFM, I asked a gal out and she told me she needed to “check with her girlfriends.” What does that mean? Signed, Me—@GeekToMe
Ooooh, a celebrity question. If you don’t know, @GeekToMe is Elliott Serrano, writer for Chicago RedEye. Go check out his stuff.
What “check with her girlfriends” means is that you just got lucky as hell. Her needing to get approval from her friends to go on a date with you means that this woman is someone you want to stay far away from—and you didn’t have to spend a single penny on her in order to learn that.
She’s obviously too concerned with what others think rather than what feels right. This means that even if things were to go well on the initial date and a relationship ensued, she’d try to dominate you (and not in a good way). Enjoy never getting to leave the house without wearing an outfit that meets her approval. Your friends? Haha. You no longer have friends because she won’t like your friends because they represent the old you, the pre-crazy lady you before she worked her magic in stripping you of your dignity and your bad habits, a.k.a. your favorite things to do.
I don’t know this woman personally, but I know what she’s all about. Shun her. You’re welcome.
#TFMB kobeyashi or Joey chestnut?—@nathangraham3
Neither. I genuinely hate that competitive eating is considered a sport.
First of all, it’s not a sport. It’s a competition, but there’s nothing sporting about gorging oneself. It’s akin to having a competition to see who’s most double-jointed.
But this is why the terrorists hate us. Let’s have people force feed themselves various food items in competition. What else could be more American and a giant middle finger to supposedly-barbaric nations? That in no way undermines the obesity epidemic in this country or that we’re the fattest nation in the world. Nah.
Let’s also ignore that there are so many in this country and abroad that wake up every day not knowing when their next meal will be. Check out these U.S. statistics via FeedingAmerica.org.
Yes, I’m bumming you out now. Sorry, this is the rare compassionate Tim Baffoe. Screw those starving people, right? We want to see how many buffalo wings someone can consume in five minutes. ‘Merica!
Competitive eating is also gross as hell. I like to think I have a strong stomach when it comes to visuals. Blood doesn’t make me faint, and I’ve delivered enough food to nursing homes and seen what the grim specter of death does to nude octogenarians to kill a thousand appetites. Lots of non-elderly unattractive semi-to-fully nude customers answer their doors, too, which I’ve never understood.
Anyway, this stuff makes me almost Ralph. Outside of the research done to answer this question, I refuse to watch this crap. The dripping, the splattering, the gagging, the squeezing, the wheezing. Yay sports!
What really fries my frankfurter, though, is that the Nathan’s contest is televised and has been for years. There’s only one reason for that—lots of idiots watch it. If it’s morbid and pointless, Americans will eat it up—pun intended. Jersey Shore, Swamp People, anything with Larry the Cable Guy—there’s no shortage of the TV equivalent of deep fried Oreos. Competitive eating, like reality television, is eye candy in its worst form.
Thanks for emailing, tweeting, and reading. If your question did not get answered this time, that does not necessarily mean I am ignoring it. It may be saved for the next mailbag. Hopefully you’re a slightly better person now than you were ten minutes ago. If not, your loss.
Want your questions answered in a future Mailbag? Email them to firstname.lastname@example.org or tweet them with the hashtag #TFMB. No question, sports or otherwise, is off limits (with certain logistical exceptions, e.g. lots of naughty words or you type in Portuguese or you solicit my death). If you email, please include a signature.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget, but please don’t follow him in real life. E-mail him at email@example.com. To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.