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Ten Foot Mailbag: What If Yaz Actually Hates Hawk?

Carl Yastrzemski  (Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

Carl Yastrzemski (Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

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By Tim Baffoe-

(CBS) Bears vs. Panthers. The last living 1985 Chicago Bear comes home to bite the hand that fed him or something. Cam Newton vs. Jay Cutler. Two bitchy, pissy quarterbacks that Warren Moon thinks you should compare each other to, except one is deservedly criticized for his demeanor and the other is not deservedly so.

Notre Dame vs. Oklahoma. Catholics vs. something Oklahoma is known for. The game to determine whether or not Notre Dame will get the opportunity to lose a BCS bowl game until they play USC and then it’s the game to determine whether or not Notre Dame will get the opportunity to lose a BCS Bowl game. The game to decide whether you have to keep listening to that awful coworker who’s a quarter Irish for another week.

And the World Series is probably on, too. Weekend. Rock.

On to your questions. All emails and tweets are unedited.

At what point this Fall/Winter will I notice that the Blackhawks haven’t started playing yet? #TFMB—@Winky_Dinky_Dog

That’s very cold (see what I did there?), but it’s sadly also true. There has been very little bemoaning from the general hockey public about the absence of NHL games, and I find that disturbing. What that silence does is only serve to validate those who say that hockey is a fringe sport and America doesn’t care about it. As days during this lockout go by, I inch closer and closer to believing that, as much as I wish it not to be true.

I notice the hockey absence already. I definitely know guys like the misfits over at The Committed Indian and Hockee Night have noticed (I believe not a one of them has showered this month, though I’m not sure that has anything to do with the lockout).

If you’re a Blackhawks fan, WDD, I would hope you’re pining for the games to resume immediately. Hell, you should even if you’re not a hockey guy. Every pro sport is good for this city and cathartic and therapeutic for each fanbase. I’m no soccer fan, but I certainly wouldn’t root for an MLS lockout. Sure, American soccer fans are weird people, but they’re largely harmless and deserve their respite.

Kind of like hockey fans.

What if Yaz actually hates Hawk’s guts and it’s total unrequited love?—@thejd44

Um, that would kind of be awesome? Imagine—Hawk sits alone in his bedroom splashed with Yaz posters and memorabilia a la a Belieber. He hears a loud noise outside in the distance and goes out to find Yaz has been in a severe one-car accident on the lonely road between Hawk’s house and the golf course.

Hawk nourishes Yaz back to health with homemade soup and stories of the greatest mediocre baseball players ever to step on the diamond. He asks Yaz why Yaz would never let him hang out with him after games or invite him to all the fun parties.

Yaz gets better and says he needs to get back to his family. Hawk will have none of that. He binds Yaz to the bed bearing 1967 Red Sox team sheets and pillow cases and forces him to record a lengthy audio manifesto declaring Hawk his best friend and most underrated player of the 60s. Eventually Steve Stone breaks down the door and kills Hawk with a bat autographed in curse words and pictures of genitalia by Earl Weaver. (I’ve trademarked this idea and will prosecute anyone who attempts to steal it.)

Why don’t I have as many twitter followers as you? I’m easily as good of an English teacher. And frankly, better looking.—@AdamJAkin 

Your first statement is highly unlikely. Your second is highly probable. Look, here’s the thing 95% of Twitter users fail to understand—it is a meritocracy. Followers, retweets, and stars, the unofficial currency of the twitterverse, are to be earned through a user’s merits.

Big names like Kim Kardashian, Katy Perry, and Dan Bernstein have large follow numbers because most people are stupid and attach themselves to things of no value. So unless you get a mind-numbing reality show or play a professional sport, such does not apply. For quasi- Z-list names like me, followers are gained for the most part due to being especially interesting, humorous, or providing some sort of value to people that they could not get equally elsewhere. I’ve found that days where I gain chunks of followers are ones where I’m being particularly less unfunny that usual—making fun of a Bears game or a political debate, for instance. I say stupid things and people enjoy them. Don’t ask me to explain why. But that honey attracts the flies.

So what do you bring to the table? What makes your 140 characters worthy of appearing in my timeline? If you don’t have a good answer to those questions, you’ve answered your initial question. Wow… I sound like Darren Rovell. Eww.

And while we’re on the topic, every time I see some really pathetic mole person get a retweet that they asked for from a celebrity or worse, ask for a follow from someone, it takes a lot of self-restraint to not mock the hell out of that person and ask that others do as well. Kissing some athlete’s ass an asking them for a retweet is the social media equivalent of adults asking for an autograph, but only worse. What validation does this give you? How does this improve your life? You who beg for retweets are the lowest form of social media user—worse than trolls, worse than anonymous racists and homophobes. Because while those freaks are cowards, they’re usually self-aware cowards for the most part. You are pathetic and dillusional and suck at life.

Thanks for emailing, tweeting, and reading. If your question did not get answered this time, that does not necessarily mean I am ignoring it. It may be saved for the next mailbag. Hopefully you’re a slightly better person now than you were ten minutes ago. If not, your loss.

Want your questions answered in a future Mailbag? Email them to tenfootmailbag@gmail.com or tweet them with the hashtag #TFMB. No question, sports or otherwise, is off limits (with certain logistical exceptions, e.g. lots of naughty words or you type in Portuguese or you solicit my death). If you email, please include a signature.

tim baffoe small Ten Foot Mailbag: What If Yaz Actually Hates Hawk?

Tim Baffoe

Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don’t follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago’s Beverly To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.