Ten Foot Mailbag: No, Alabama Can’t Beat The Kansas City Chiefs
By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) I think that with the exception of the Masonic group of mystics known as baseball writers we can all agree that the voting that took place for the 2013 Baseball Hall of Fame class—or lack thereof—is farcical. I’ve gone off on it in the past, but what the writers as a whole did this year only solidified that for me that much more.
HOF voting is just another of many examples of people choosing to ignore a reality that makes them feel uncomfortable. Omit an era for its sins by acting like it didn’t happen. How would you feel if your kid’s history textbook left out the Jim Crow period with the justification that its awfulness doesn’t deserve credence?
In typical fingers-in-ears-lalalalala-I-can’t-hear-you fashion, the writers are establishing a conclusion and working backwards, grinding out a path that leads to moral superiority instead taking the already established logical path that leads to a conclusion that ruins romanticism. ESPN’s Pedro Gomez, perhaps the benchmark for BBWAA fustercluckery, waxed inanely judicial Wednesday, saying “We’ve always been a judge and jury as to whether anybody belongs in the Hall of Fame.” Okay, but if you’re a judge and jury, the Hall of Fame is O.J. Simpson. That same infallible judge and jury of which Gomez and several other holiers-than-thou consider themselves a part for a very long time denied entrance to many solely based on the color of their skin. So there you have it.
It’s January and we’re flirting with the 60 degree mark in Chicago. Weekend. Get it.
I know a bama email is the last thing you want to answer (so sad to see the Irish get demolished) but what would the outcome be if Alabama squared off against the worst team in the NFL? My nod goes in the direction of Alabama, but others in the office seem to think I’m off my rocker. Kansas City Chiefs vs. Alabama Crimson Tide? I’d call it a close game but… Bama by 3.5.—Blake
You’re not off your rocker. You’re banned from the rocker for a period of no less than one year. If you’d like to return to the rocker, you’ll need to apply for a probationary status, will require a note from a credible doctor, will have to fill out several forms in triplicate, will have to wear a helmet while on the rocker, and adult supervision will be required at all times.
I cannot say it simpler than this—no non NFL team today can or will ever beat an NFL team. Never. Ever. No, not with that exception you’re thinking of. Nope, not that one either. This is not a Disney film geared to swell the hearts of the stupid. As bad as the worst NFL team is in a given year, that team is miles better than the best college team. Always. No exceptions. Zero. No, shut up with your “What if…” because it’s wrong. Period. Done.
Alabama could not beat the Chiefs by 3.5 in pregame stretching. The upset would be if Kansas City won by less than fifty points. Every NFL team is its own college all-star team, only faster, wiser, better coached, better trained, and with better steroids.
2how tired are the D-llllll signs?—@bradjahnz
When it comes to bringing a sign to a sporting event, there is really only one justification—it’s very humorous and creative. Anything else is dumb and a waste of time. Plus, you’re probably obstructing the view of someone behind you. It takes a special kind of stupid to lug around a giant piece of cardboard you wrote on amid bustling crowds and tight seating situations if the only payoff is getting on TV for a few seconds as though that replaces your soul-crushing home and work life. “Did you see me on TV?” I did. And what did that get you? A little bit of fleeting non-substantial self-worth? Congrats.
While college kids are mostly detestable, they often have a knack for making worthy signs. The College Gameday program, with its vanilla analysis, idiot celebrities talking about things they don’t understand, Tom Rinaldi trying to make you cry, and Lee Corso accusing people of hiding his pills in the Victrola, is sometimes made slightly bearable by the background signs.
Under no circumstances should an adult bring a sign to a game unless others have confirmed beforehand that it is very funny. Anything else is the equivalent of begging for a retweet from a celebrity, which is like asking for an autograph, which makes you a sad person.
Here’s a handy list of what not to put on a sign. Any variation of the following applies:
The aforementioned “D-IIIIII” or the bullseye behind the goalposts or any other non team-specific sign. Look at me! I’m unoriginal! Please, look at me! For the love of God I need attention to stop weeping silently at night!
“It’s my birthday!” Hope it’s your last!
“My first ____ game!” And you’re an adult? Congrats, your parents didn’t love you.
“[Player X] is a traitor [likely spelled “trader,” though] for doing the same thing I would do if a competing company offered me a raise.” Yes, you would.
“[random homophobia]!” Because, hey, homophobia!
“[Vapid person], will you marry me?” If the person says yes, please do not procreate.
“[Player X], I find you attractive. Look at my super funny innuendo.” You will die alone.
“Hope the boss doesn’t see me here.” If you can afford to skip work to be at a game, you’re probably an insufferable dork in upper management anyway.
And, for the love of all things nonconcussive, please proofread, folks.
How do you feel about people who come into work sick getting everyone else sick? #TFMB @Ten_Foot_Midget #SoSickRightNow—@franchise_davis
I’m very anti-being-sick. It’s a controversial platform, but that’s just how I was raised.
In actuality, I’m torn when it comes to the sick at work thing. On the one hand, nobody wants to be around someone who’s sick. Touching the same doorknobs, breathing the same recycled air in the office, listening to hacking and wheezing, smelling their chair when they walk away from their desk. The place becomes rife with germs. And contaminating greater numbers of the staff with your ebola is not good. If you are truly sick to the point where a) your work will be greatly hindered, and b) the work of others will be greatly hindered, stay the hell home.
That said, such a thing gets abused. We all have coworkers who, at the slightest of stuffy noses, deem themselves unfit for work. If you don’t have one of those coworkers, you’re probably that jerk. These are people who had parents who let them stay home from school at the slightest of sniffles or a rectal temperature over 98.6 degrees.
Wash your hands and load up on the hand sanitizer, y’all.
Thanks for emailing, tweeting, and reading. If your question did not get answered this time, that does not necessarily mean I am ignoring it. It may be saved for the next mailbag. Hopefully you’re a slightly better person now than you were ten minutes ago. If not, your loss.
Want your questions answered in a future Mailbag? Email them to email@example.com or tweet them with the hashtag #TFMB. No question, sports or otherwise, is off limits (with certain logistical exceptions, e.g. lots of naughty words or you type in Portuguese or you solicit my death). If you email, please include a signature.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget, but please don’t follow him in real life. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.