By Dan Bernstein-
CBSChicago.com Senior Columnist

(CBS) On Sunday, the family of late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno released the results of its private investigation into the cover-up of the sex abuse perpetrated by assistant coach Jerry Sandusky. They dispute the findings of the report by former FBI Director Louis Freeh, the evidence provided in the grand jury presentments, and the ensuing decisions made by the school’s president and Board of Trustees, as well as those of the NCAA.

Sources provided an advance copy of the report to WSCR on Friday, however, and within the Paternos’ findings are the following details. Some are shocking, and may radically alter the way in which many have viewed the case, and the legacy of a legendary coach:

• The crimes supposedly committed by Sandusky were actually committed by conspiratorial members of the mainstream media, as part of an elaborate plan to embarrass Penn State due to “jealousy.” These media members, coincidentally, were all employed by print/electronic/digital outlets outside of Pennsylvania. They maintain that reporters, columnists, anchors and personalities were motivated thusly because the football teams of their respective almae matres were not as good as the Nittany Lions.

• Joe Paterno actually died in 1983, and everything since has been an uncanny series of muscle spasms.

• The report cites new information — undermining the conclusions of the Freeh investigation — that was provided by a recently-contacted source: a lovely, young Stanford coed of Samoan descent who has apparently had a rough go of it lately.

• When Paterno and others were told of “horseplay,” they dismissed it as merely the kind of old-fashioned hijinks so common in locker rooms everywhere, including those of Penn State, during which assistant coaches would sexually assault horses.

• Paterno’s true win total? 9,546.

• A series of emails and phone conversations discovered by a Freedom of Information request reveal that the actions of the Board of Trustees were traitorous — those of leaders determined to position the university in a way that made them appear to outsiders as a community that believed child-rape was somehow unacceptable.

• Mike McQueary was a self-aggrandizing, opportunistic schemer who believed the best possible move to help his career was to falsely allege that a sainted assistant coach was abusing a young boy in the showers of the football building on campus.

• There was, indeed, something known as the “Tickle Monster,” which could easily explain the numerous claims by supposed victims. Though it only appeared in grainy photos, casts made of mysterious footprints left near the grounds of the Second Mile charity are consistent with an enormous biped in a PSU tracksuit. Local legend holds that the monster was known for leaving a trail of shampoo from “soap fights.”

• Louis Freeh refused to interview Franco Harris.

• Paterno, a devout Catholic, was simply emulating the behaviors of respected clergymen like Bernard Francis Law of Boston, Roger Mahoney of Los Angeles, and longtime Prefect for the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Joseph Ratzinger.

• The Freeh findings mistakenly implied that Paterno was running the university, only based on the one instance when the school president tried to fire him and he responded “Get the f—k out of my kitchen before I have you killed and buried in a landfill somewhere.”

• The Paternos’ independent report also claims that victims 2 , 4, 7 and 10 were really, really cute, you have to admit. C’mon. Especially 4.

• For out-of-state travel to bowl games, all assistant coaches were allowed an adolescent “travel buddy” to stay in the coach’s room and provide backrubs. Sandusky was merely the only one who ever took them up on it.

• Paterno was a fan of the emo/goth band “Sexual Nature” explaining that reference in his sworn testimony to the grand jury.

• In the interests of “closure,” and “moving forward,” the Paterno family feels the best course of action is to drag the scandal back in to the news for several more days, allowing for the rehashing of sordid details in one of the ugliest stories in sports history. Sue Paterno will appear with Katie Couric on national television for the purposes of “putting this all behind us” and “helping the victims.”

Dan Bernstein joined the station as a reporter/anchor in 1995, and has been the co-host of Boers and Bernstein since 1999. Read more of Bernstein’s columns, or follow him on Twitter: @dan_bernstein.

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