Cubs

Baffoe: Let’s Mock Cubs Fans Heartbroken Over Tony Campana

Tony Campana. (Photo by David Banks/Getty Images)

Tony Campana. (Photo by David Banks/Getty Images)

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By Tim Baffoe-

(CBS) Tony Campana’s Cubs tenure is dead. The little bug of a player had a career that lasted about as long as the life of one of his house fly brethren. Apparently the Arizona Diamondbacks picked up Dave Littlefield’s book Making The Cubs Look Smarter Than You and actually traded two actual carbon lifeforms for a guy that was designated for assignment last week because he’s not good at baseball and would have soon been a free agent. A guy willing even to submit to the carnal urges of the Arizona organization for playing time if need be.

“Campy” always reminded me of a Cubs player from my youth, the long-since forgotten Ced Landrum. Landrum was crazy fast, and I recall yelling at the TV “Run, Ced, run!” whenever he was on base, which were times few and far between, much like with Campana. Landrum’s speed was his only bit of value, and my love for him as a nine-year-old was kitschy—dare I say campy, even.

Then Landrum went bye-bye, and I quickly got over that, just like I got over Campana’s departure immediately because there isn’t anything about his absence to lament. But while Landrum’s demise wasn’t met with much ado, Campana’s is among people that don’t understand things like baseball or how those dummies in the Jaws franchise don’t swim away when they hear the music.

So I figure these laughably dumb people need to be laughed at. Here are members of Team Campy rearing their hollow heads on Twitter.

Is your league for money? If so, may I join and take yours?

This guy tweets a lot about working out which means he likes to tell you about how much he works out because everybody finds people who talk about how much they work out thoroughly interesting. Look how important team speed was last season, by the way.

Oh, I get it. Doing what Gnarles Barkley did with “Charles Barkley,” except with Barbara Bush. Kind of. See, except you misspelled the “-arbara,” thus making your neologism utterly farcical. Stupid stupid neologism.

https://twitter.com/b_jams3/status/303614541051355140

Are you sad because he’d fit in with your “bros strategically gathered around booze and pregaming before going to crush” pic? Let me know how the book Saban likely had ghostwritten is, though. Was Mein Kampf sold out at the EIU bookstore?

Putting a superfluous exclamation point on the end of your hashtag lets people know you mean business. That business involves licking the ink from permanent markers, but you mean it.

Where can I get the thing you have that takes the rules of capitalization and grammar and farts in their mouths?

YOU DESTROYED THE FUTURE, A FUTURE WHERE TINY FAST PEOPLE WITH NO OTHER DISCERNIBLE TALENTS REIGN SUPREME. THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT OF THIS SURELY WILL BE SOCIETY’S DEMISE. IF ONLY THE PEOPLE AT NCIS COULD ARREST EPSTEIN.

Hey, everybody, this guy is responsible for trading Campy, too! The easiest way to make him pay for that is to sneak up on him while he’s lost in the music.

Shhhh! Nobody tell her the Diamondbacks Triple-A team is in Reno, NV.

I know the Cubs are mind-numbing, but how did I forget Tony Campana’s non-union Mexican equivalent?

Why would you think he’s an Angel if you care so much!???

“Aw, sorry to hear.” –orphan refugee from the Sudan

What did he come back from? The Chicago Children’s Museum?

So it was the lack of a central nervous system that caused his career .306 on-base percentage.

I’m sure the Diamondbacks will institute the same rule the Cubs had for him—no Pop Rocks and soda.

At his current pace, Campy would only have to play about 40 more seasons to have the career wins above replacement of his apparent trade grandfather, Lou Brock.

Intern angel: Um, excuse me, uh, God?
God: ’Sup?
Intern angel: Uh, there’s a woman on Twitter who would like you to undo a trade of a Tony Campana. Her handle is @natify3.
God: Psha! I did her a solid and stopped her from drinking a candle on Sunday. She used up my intervention for the week.

Vaya con Dios, Campy. You are hereby regulated to the scrappy tiny Cubs folk hero cemetery with the likes of Augie Ojeda, Sam Fuld, Mike Fontenot, and the awful Adam Greenberg.