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Baffoe: Let’s Mock People Still In Love With Dane Sanzenbacher

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Dane Sanzenbacher. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

Dane Sanzenbacher. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

Tim Baffoe - clean background Tim Baffoe
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa before earning his de...
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By Tim Baffoe-

(CBS) Two receptions for 59 yards with a 36-yard touchdown. A 71-yard punt return touchdown. Preseason glory.

Compound that with Dane Sanzenbacher playing for the team featured currently on HBO’s Hard Knocks and being a made-for-TV-will-the-little-undrafted-try-hard-guy-make-the-team story, and you have a lot of salty, puzzled Bears fans longing for their 2011 Tom Waddle crash test dummy.

Nevermind that Sanzenbacher’s big game in the first week of preseason occurred against second and third team Atlanta Falcons players. Ignore that the Bears current roster contains guys fighting for wide receiver roster spots that are bigger, stronger, and faster than Ohio State’s finest or that there are four or five or six better WRs on the Bengals right now. Don’t bother remembering that Sanzenbacher can’t catch.

Nope. It’s a damn shame he’s no longer a Chicago Bear. He embodies everything about the city if you actually have no idea of what Chicago is actually like and need to force a narrative. So let’s mock some folks who assess talent based on preseason spurts, shall we?

They were probably thinking that there exist some better options, hence signing several free-agent wideouts after waiving Sanzenbacher.

Yeah, what did you do with the think for the why, Bears?

#thankgodyoucantreadorunderstandKurtVonnegut

Yeah, all undrafted little wideouts are Wes Welker. All of them. Why even draft white receivers under six feet tall? Probably kills their magic. Sign them with a chip on their tiny shoulders and sit back and bask in the glory. Take note, Phil Emery.

No, dude, for realsies. And what about this? Why do they call them fingers if they don’t fing?

DOSE COULDA BEEN OUR PREESEESIN STATS BEARS WHY YOU SUCK AT PLAYERS PICKING?

His fantasy ranking in heart and grind just dropped slightly after the Ravens signed Brandon Stokley, though.

Dane Sanzenbacher had as many receptions for the Bears in 2012 as Lance Louis.

Man, I hope he doesn’t become another Willie Gault. Or Mark Bradley. Or Bernard Berrian. Or Justin Gage. Or Bobby Wade. Or any of that long line of Bears offensive studs that have gone on to dominate away from Chicago. Thank heavens they realized their errant ways with Devin Aromashodu.

All those great moments as a Bear to miss, too. I can almost remember each of his 28 career catches. But I’m not going to try to at the risk of getting a little misty here.

Right? Unless you count the two years that he did get a chance. So unfair otherwise.

THANKS OBAMA.

I’m not sure about your level of Sanzenbacher commitment.

Ah, that’s better.

No breakaway speed. Undersized. Can’t block. Drops balls. WHY DO THE BEARS HATE GAMECHANGERS LIKE THIS?

How does one Dane Sanzenbacher? Is that like Dufnering except you make yourself not especially good at any one thing?

The power of Dane Sanzenbacher crosses the lines of sports. And NASCAR.



And those are just the ones that spelled his name correctly. At least they aren’t the idiots who keep falling for the “(insert name of star football player) breaks both legs in car accident” story.

Dane Sanzenbacher. He is all of us. Never forget.

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