Bernstein: NFL Day A Wacky Whirlwind
By Dan Bernstein-
CBSChicago.com senior columnist
(CBS) Well, that escalated quickly.
Now that everybody in the NFL is on another team, retired or en route to visit another suitor, we have at least an hour or two to catch our collective breath and figure out what the hell just happened at the outset of 2015 free agency and the new league year.
This was the actual, official outset of course, only after the "legal tampering" period designated by the league in a bit of Orwellian wordplay that seemed more confusing than anything else, considering that the regular rounds of illegal tampering – AKA "tampering" – had begun as they usually do each year at the NFL Scouting Combine weeks before. And now NFL officials want to investigate deals consummated somehow afoul of even those rules, apparently constituting illegal legal tampering. There's nothing like the credibility of yet another NFL investigation of itself for something it doesn't understand and can't articulate.
The news began with administrative details of trades and signings already agreed upon, an extra draft pick here or conditional arrangement there becoming public as the transactions entered the books. Then two franchises got weird and so did the day.
Strapped for cash and salary-cap space and embroiled in an ownership-succession courtroom nightmare playing out on the public stage, the once-proud Saints told the world their fire sale was on. About five minutes later Jimmy Graham was a Seattle Seahawk, and rumors abounded that even Drew Brees was available, if anybody would be interested in acquiring a 36-year-old quarterback with a cap hit roughly equivalent to the GDP of Brazil.
Then the Eagles continued to swap their offensive players for other teams' offensive players, with Chip Kelly now completely in charge of the football operation and playing it like a 10-year-old does Madden 2015 on Xbox. He's either mad with power or legitimately mad -- or possibly drunk. Or all of it, standing on his desk, shirtless, barking orders into speakerphones and chucking dry-erase markers at underlings as he twirls his underpants in circles over his head.
Twitter blew up with news that was and wasn't news, with even players retweeting rumors about their whereabouts and destinations like mirrors reflecting on mirrors. Dollar amounts and confirmations and denials were interspersed with sightings of guys at airports and at team facilities, reports of Elvis Presley taking a physical in New England, the Yeti agreeing to leave Nepal to try his hand as a situational pass rusher in Jacksonville and the agent for Chupacabra confiding to Jay Glazer that the rumors of his client's imminent signing with the Chiefs were "completely false, for right now."
Meanwhile, others had enough of it and quit. Patrick Willis sported a shirt and tie, with the interesting look of the tie around his neck but inside his shirt, as if he got the sequencing wrong. He said he doesn't want to play football anymore because his feet hurt. My feet would hurt, too, as soon as I realized my new head coach was a blithering boob and the team was coming apart at the seams.
The Titans' Jake Locker announced he was walking away from the game at the age of 26, citing a lack of desire and commitment. This despite a current market for quarterbacks that results in huge sums of guaranteed money for guys who are demonstrably awful at throwing footballs for a living.
And go figure the Jets, who released Percy Harvin but traded for Brandon Marshall, exchanging a fast, young, often-hurt, narcissistic receiver who teams can't wait to get rid of for a slow, old, often-hurt, narcissistic wide receiver who teams can't wait to get rid of. And they couldn't be happier about it.
That was just the first day, and we have no idea how any of it relates to how good any of these teams are. The NFL keeps existing as endless entertainment, even as far removed as can be from actually playing.
Dan Bernstein is a co-host of 670 The Score's "Boers and Bernstein Show" in afternoon drive. Follow him on Twitter @dan_bernstein and read more of his columns here.
