Aries

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!

03/21/2013

(Credit: BERTRAND LANGLOIS/AFP/GettyImages)

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Pisces

Look, guys, you’re a great couple. Aries and Pisces! You just go together really well. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like salami and mayonnaise. Like fried chicken nuggets on top of cheap mall pizza.

02/12/2013

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

I’m going to be honest, and I never thought I’d say this, but the Moon is really worried about your sperm count, Aries. Why does the Moon worry about your sperm count? I don’t know, bro. I just look at the alignment and communicate what it tells me, and right now the alignment of the Moon (and Harvard researchers) has some very foreboding things to say about your sperm.

02/07/2013

owl-2

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

Aries, the stars wrote a poem for you…

12/20/2012

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner Meet Young Fans

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Taurus

Aries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all. And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you! True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.

11/16/2012

Rosie Huntington-Whitely: Pimp. Kirsten Stewart: Pimp. Thomas Jefferson: SUPER PIMP. (Rosie Huntington-Whitely Credit: YASUYOSHI CHIBA/AFP/GettyImages) (Kristen Stewart Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images) (Thomas Jefferson Credit: National Archive/Newsmakers)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

Do you think Thomas Jefferson, Kristen Stewart and Rosie Huntington-Whitely found love by being honest and open?

11/12/2012

Sorry for the creepy Hugh Hefner pic. We had a surprising lack of images that came up when I typed in "spanking." (Credit: David Klein/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

But this isn’t just about a beer. This is about the principal of it all. Children are supposed to obey their fathers, and when they don’t, you spank them.

10/22/2012

Wow. His grandma's hot. Don't trust him though, he looks weasely! (Credit: Theo Wargo/Getty Images for Time Inc)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

Sure, he claims he’s helping his grandmother on Sunday mornings. And when you went and spied on him, standing outside his grandmother’s house in sunglasses and a trench coat, he did in fact show up to help his grandma like he said. BUT. That doesn’t mean he’s not lying to you…

09/29/2012

Please don't make the Moon angry (Credit: David McNew/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/17/2012

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

Friday’s Bad Horoscopes

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

06/22/2012