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Aries

Horrible HoroscopesA roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don't let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & PiscesLook, guys, you’re a great couple. Aries and Pisces! You just go together really well. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like salami and mayonnaise. Like fried chicken nuggets on top of cheap mall pizza.
Horrible Horoscopes: AriesI’m going to be honest, and I never thought I’d say this, but the Moon is really worried about your sperm count, Aries. Why does the Moon worry about your sperm count? I don’t know, bro. I just look at the alignment and communicate what it tells me, and right now the alignment of the Moon (and Harvard researchers) has some very foreboding things to say about your sperm.
Horrible Horoscopes: AriesAries, the stars wrote a poem for you...
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Taurus Aries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all. And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you! True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.
Horrible Horoscopes: Aries Do you think Thomas Jefferson, Kristen Stewart and Rosie Huntington-Whitely found love by being honest and open?
Horrible Horoscopes: AriesBut this isn’t just about a beer. This is about the principal of it all. Children are supposed to obey their fathers, and when they don’t, you spank them.
Horrible Horoscopes: AriesSure, he claims he’s helping his grandmother on Sunday mornings. And when you went and spied on him, standing outside his grandmother’s house in sunglasses and a trench coat, he did in fact show up to help his grandma like he said. BUT. That doesn't mean he's not lying to you...
Horrible Horoscopes: AriesMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday's Bad HoroscopesMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, "What's your sign?" at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius... ladies.

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