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Capricorn

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!

03/21/2013

Even when Miley smiles at Liam, she seems critical... sigh. (Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for PCA)

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Sagittarius & Capricorn

Capricorn, the stars get it, sometimes you feel like you’re comin’ up a few inches short. It’s natural. You shouldn’t let these fears bother you, particularly when you’re in a relationship with Sagittarius, who will seize any inadequacy festering inside your psyche and use it to bludgeon your soul to a shapeless, disgusting pulp. Imagine bad mayonaise resting sluggishly in a jar. That will be your soul, Capricorn.

01/30/2013

ADHER I'M JASON STATHAM (Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

You, Capricorn, are majestically beautiful — like a frozen bean burrito microwaved to perfection…

01/01/2013

"Come on in... I promise I won't fart." (Credit: Jasper Juinen/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

What? You think nobody noticed? You can’t fill up an elevator with your own unique… creations… and expect the one other person stuck in there with you to NOT notice. Seriously? You said, “It wasn’t me”? Who would believe you?

12/17/2012

NO NOT MY GLASSES! (Credit: Judas Preist / Youtube)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

Jaywalking? That’s kids play for you. You’d break any law if you felt like it. You’d park in a no parking zone, litter, why, you’d probably even skip jury duty.

11/05/2012

DON'T TRUST HER, 'YE, IT'S A TRAP(Credit: Noel Vasquez/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

We’re talkin’ worse than stealing candy form a baby (cause, really, do those babies need that candy?). Your evil is on par with that German dude from Die Hard, Sauron’s Nazgûl, and Kim Kardashian (we gotta do something before she ruins Kanye).

10/17/2012

Holy cow! This is blowing my mind! (Credit: STR/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

Listen Applebee’s (you’re a Capricorn, right?), we got bigger things to worry about than a woman breastfeeding her kid in your restaurant.

09/28/2012

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

Friday’s Bad Horoscopes

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

06/22/2012