Capricorn
Horrible Horoscopes
A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Sagittarius & Capricorn
Capricorn, the stars get it, sometimes you feel like you’re comin’ up a few inches short. It’s natural. You shouldn’t let these fears bother you, particularly when you’re in a relationship with Sagittarius, who will seize any inadequacy festering inside your psyche and use it to bludgeon your soul to a shapeless, disgusting pulp. Imagine bad mayonaise resting sluggishly in a jar. That will be your soul, Capricorn.
Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn
You, Capricorn, are majestically beautiful — like a frozen bean burrito microwaved to perfection…
Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn
What? You think nobody noticed? You can’t fill up an elevator with your own unique… creations… and expect the one other person stuck in there with you to NOT notice. Seriously? You said, “It wasn’t me”? Who would believe you?
Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn
Jaywalking? That’s kids play for you. You’d break any law if you felt like it. You’d park in a no parking zone, litter, why, you’d probably even skip jury duty.
Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn
We’re talkin’ worse than stealing candy form a baby (cause, really, do those babies need that candy?). Your evil is on par with that German dude from Die Hard, Sauron’s Nazgûl, and Kim Kardashian (we gotta do something before she ruins Kanye).
Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn
Listen Applebee’s (you’re a Capricorn, right?), we got bigger things to worry about than a woman breastfeeding her kid in your restaurant.
Friday’s Bad Horoscopes
Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Most Popular News
- BREAKING: Jury Sides With Donald Trump In Condo Dispute With Woman, 87A federal jury has sided with developer Donald Trump -- not the 87-year-old woman who says she was cheated financially after buying two condominiums at his Trump Tower project.1056
- Employee At Dunbar High Suspended After Pushing Student Down StairsAn employee at a public high school in the Bronzeville neighborhood has been taken off the job after being recorded on cell phone video pushing a girl down a set of stairs.408
- Concealed Carry Bill Moves To House Floor, But Senate ObjectsA concealed-carry gun deal brokered by House Speaker Michael Madigan cleared a House committee Thursday, but its prospects were unclear across the Capitol in the Senate because of the way it would curb existing local gun laws.165
- Four Hurt In Wrong-Way Crash On Chicago SkywayA 25-year-old man has been cited for driving the wrong way on the Chicago Skyway, after a head-on crash with a pickup truck Thursday morning that sent four people to hospitals.232
- Student Pulled Over And Robbed By Phony Police OfficerA man driving an unmarked white Ford Crown Victoria with interior flashing red and blue lights pulled the student over near Ballard and Bender roads in Des Plaines as she was driving to school around 7:30 a.m. on May 20.340
- Census Data: Chicago Slowest Growing Big City In U.S.Chicago gained nearly 10,000 people from July 2011 to July 2012, but was the slowest-growing major city in the country according to U.S. Census Bureau estimates released Thursday.130
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- Marquette County Convention & Visitors Bureau Post Game Show Giveaway May 10, 2013Listen to The Score’s Baseball Post Game Show for your chance to win a $100 lodging gift certificate from the Marquette County Convention & Visitors Bureau!
Twitter Updates
- Federal jury sides with Donald Trump in Trump Tower condo dispute with 87-year-old woman. cbsloc.al/121Ua5D 3 hours ago
- RT @WBBMNewsradio: Concealed-carry gun deal has moved to the House floor, but the state Senate has doubts. cbsloc.al/14Dk8d4 3 hours ago
