A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Capricorn, the stars get it, sometimes you feel like you’re comin’ up a few inches short. It’s natural. You shouldn’t let these fears bother you, particularly when you’re in a relationship with Sagittarius, who will seize any inadequacy festering inside your psyche and use it to bludgeon your soul to a shapeless, disgusting pulp. Imagine bad mayonaise resting sluggishly in a jar. That will be your soul, Capricorn.
You, Capricorn, are majestically beautiful — like a frozen bean burrito microwaved to perfection…
What? You think nobody noticed? You can’t fill up an elevator with your own unique… creations… and expect the one other person stuck in there with you to NOT notice. Seriously? You said, “It wasn’t me”? Who would believe you?
Jaywalking? That’s kids play for you. You’d break any law if you felt like it. You’d park in a no parking zone, litter, why, you’d probably even skip jury duty.
We’re talkin’ worse than stealing candy form a baby (cause, really, do those babies need that candy?). Your evil is on par with that German dude from Die Hard, Sauron’s Nazgûl, and Kim Kardashian (we gotta do something before she ruins Kanye).
Listen Applebee’s (you’re a Capricorn, right?), we got bigger things to worry about than a woman breastfeeding her kid in your restaurant.
Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.