Gemini
Horrible Horoscopes
A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini
It’s not that your grandkids don’t love you, Gemini. It’s that they have no need for you anymore. They’re so preoccupied with the Googles and Faceborgs, they don’t need you to teach them the finer points of making pasta, how to build a wicked-sweet bookshelf, or the best rods to use for fly fishing.
Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini
Sure, you thought you could make it as a big-time criminal mastermind, plotting the biggest maple syrup heist in history, but did that work out for you?
Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini
Personally, I’m as liberal as the next guy. I say let it all hang out. Unfortunately, astrology isn’t based off my opinion. It’s based off the complicated positions of the stars and planets.
Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini
Well in this world, the real one, if you look up at the sky in the hope of finding out something about your future, the Moon will most likely give you the middle finger, then tell you your comb over looks horrible from his/her vantage point. Even from way up there in space.
Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini
You keep stealing puppies! I don’t get it. Is it the adrenaline rush? Are you addicted? To what? Stealing? Puppies? Both?
Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini
Sure, babies seem like a big responsibility. They’re like little, fat sacks of tears. But once they’re old enough, four or five maybe, they can do all sorts of useful things for you…
Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini
Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday’s Bad Horoscopes
Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Most Popular News
- 3 Dead, 8 Hurt In Shootings Since Friday NightThe most recent fatal shooting happened about 1:50 a.m. Saturday in the Hyde Park community, roughly half a mile from President Barack Obama’s home in neighboring Kenwood.197
- Some People You Should Know: The MelodeersIt all began when barbershop patrons started singing while waiting to get their hair cut. A century or so later, the Melodeers chorus is taking the music to a dazzling new height with 140 ladies singing in unaccompanied four-part harmony. CBS 2's Harry Porterfield reports.155
- Mother Of Student Pushed Down School Stairs ‘Enraged’ At Security GuardNew video surfaced Friday that appears to show sophomore Lauren Goodlow being pushed by a male security guard. CBS 2's Dorothy Tucker reports.329
- House Passes Concealed Carry Plan Opposed By Senate LeaderGun owners in the only state still banning concealed weapons would win that right under a plan approved by the Illinois House on Friday, but the governor and other powerful Democrats oppose the plan because it would wipe out local gun ordinances -- including Chicago's ban on assault weapons.220
- Two Shot Near Roosevelt CTA StationAround 11:10 a.m., a 57-year-old man and a 30-year-old man were shot in the 1100 block of South State Street.256
- Store Owner Kidnapped In Pilsen, SUV StolenPolice said the 78-year-old man was closing the store in the 1100 block of West 18th Street when a group of men threw a pillowcase over his head, hit him in the face, and forced him into his own SUV.248
Contests & Promotions
- Benjamin Moore Which Team Colors Matter Most? May 24, 2013Which Team Colors matter most to you? Either way, you could be a winner! Just sign up now for a chance to win $500 Depot Dollars to the Chicago Sports Depot to pick up some gear with your favorite team colors as they battle it out this week!
- AVEENO® MEN’S “Building a Healthier Foundation” Sweepstakes May 21, 2013AVEENO® Men’s™ knows your family is your foundation. And to take good care of them, you need to take good care of yourself. Win a family day at the ballpark from AVEENO® Men’s™.
- Join Hankook Tire To Reel In The Next Big Catch May 20, 2013Join Hankook tire to reel in the next great catch! Click here to go to www.TirePrize.com and enter for your chance to win the ultimate fishing excursion in Puerto Rico!
- Meet Jim Rome On Set In Los Angeles May 20, 2013AutoZone and the Jim Rome Show are giving one winner and a guest a trip to meet Jim Rome in Los Angeles on the set of his Showtime television show! Enter for your chance to win!
Twitter Updates
- CTA has cut some fees for upcoming its upcoming ventra cards. cbsloc.al/134Ri3p 1 hour ago
- RT @cbs2mai: Tonight at 10: how one police dept. wants to use cameras (both private & public) to fight crime. #PoliceNews #crime 12 hours ago
