Horrible HoroscopesA roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don't let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible Horoscopes: GeminiIt’s not that your grandkids don’t love you, Gemini. It’s that they have no need for you anymore. They’re so preoccupied with the Googles and Faceborgs, they don’t need you to teach them the finer points of making pasta, how to build a wicked-sweet bookshelf, or the best rods to use for fly fishing.
Horrible Horoscopes: GeminiSure, you thought you could make it as a big-time criminal mastermind, plotting the biggest maple syrup heist in history, but did that work out for you?
Horrible Horoscopes: GeminiPersonally, I’m as liberal as the next guy. I say let it all hang out. Unfortunately, astrology isn’t based off my opinion. It’s based off the complicated positions of the stars and planets.
Horrible Horoscopes: GeminiWell in this world, the real one, if you look up at the sky in the hope of finding out something about your future, the Moon will most likely give you the middle finger, then tell you your comb over looks horrible from his/her vantage point. Even from way up there in space.
Horrible Horoscopes: GeminiYou keep stealing puppies! I don’t get it. Is it the adrenaline rush? Are you addicted? To what? Stealing? Puppies? Both?
Horrible Horoscopes: GeminiSure, babies seem like a big responsibility. They’re like little, fat sacks of tears. But once they’re old enough, four or five maybe, they can do all sorts of useful things for you...
Horrible Horoscopes: GeminiMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday's Bad HoroscopesMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, "What's your sign?" at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius... ladies.

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