You, Capricorn, are majestically beautiful — like a frozen bean burrito microwaved to perfection…
Taurus, sorry your Christmas presents never came. There’s nothing worse than waking up Christmas morning to find a tree (glowing with lights and ornaments) with no presents underneath. If you want to blame someone, don’t blame Santa, or your parents…
You get married, there goes the happy days. No more sunshine, Pisces. After that it’s all angry comments under your breath as you wait in line at Wendy’s and getting into fights over the TV remote.
Aries, the stars wrote a poem for you…
Aquarius! Crawl out the metaphorical slit your jailers call a window, down that imaginary rope made of your hopes, dreams and bed sheets, and live your life!
What? You think nobody noticed? You can’t fill up an elevator with your own unique… creations… and expect the one other person stuck in there with you to NOT notice. Seriously? You said, “It wasn’t me”? Who would believe you?
Sagittarius, the stars and the Moon (especially) have no moral compass. They don’t care if you break the law. In fact, sometimes, if you’re good at it, they encourage it. But you’re not good at it.
Thanks to modern technology (smartphones!), I can work, tweet, facebook, invest in stocks, play tetris, write craigslist personals and buy ninja swords from Ebay from the beautiful comfort of my toilet! And you can too (ass long as your 3G/4G doesn’t go out).
If you see someone running across the street, jaywalking, you better get your stun gun out. They might get away, and you never let a law breaker get away.
Virgo (can I call you Virgo?), the days of standing by your original recipe are behind you. And crispy? Forgettaboutit. Live your life like you’re a bucket full of spicy goodness.
So stop blaming the full moon every time you do something stupid. Also, if you see Buzz Aldrin, tell him the Moon thinks he’s a jerk.
Who knows, maybe 5 years of being a hermit could help you reflect on the horrible things you’ve done and make you a better person. It’s doubtful, but it could happen.
The stars have some very solid advice, Virgo: Lose that temper, or you’ll never get invited to another Thanksgiving again.
Cancer, if you’re stupid enough to bring $1,400 bucks to a drug meet, you deserved to get robbed. Do you really think anyone’s going to sympathize with you? Or take your side? Like, for example, the cops?
Personally, I’m as liberal as the next guy. I say let it all hang out. Unfortunately, astrology isn’t based off my opinion. It’s based off the complicated positions of the stars and planets.
People are gullible sheep. Sheeple, if you want to get technical. Lie, and they’ll believe you. It can’t be a small lie though. Small lies never work. It’s gotta be a big lie. If you want to go to Disneyland, you can just say your children were kidnapped and you need to get them back Liam Neeson (a la Taken) style.
Aries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all. And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you! True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.
Before you bash my face in, Libra, let your life flash before your angry, angry eyes and see yourself…
Do you think Thomas Jefferson, Kristen Stewart and Rosie Huntington-Whitely found love by being honest and open?
I know, I know… You feel confident your grandmother’s remedies will keep you healthy and–if you do get sick–bring you back to full health. Sometimes though, frogs legs, witch’s tongue, brown M&Ms mixed with yellow Skittles, happy thoughts, chicken soup, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Mitt Romney’s concession speech on repeat, Tumblr, puppies, medicine from a doctor who works out of the Wendy’s drive-thru window (honestly, he’s suspect, but his burgers are great), Game of Thrones, killing the Highlander, fruits and veggies (especially), and love just can’t heal you. Especially if you have the fly.