Horrible Horoscopes: LibraWe’re tired of you going to the “internet” when you need to learn about the “birds and the bees,” Libra. What can faceborg, googles or some new mobile app teach you that the bull, creepy twins, prude lady, invisible archer, or Simba can’t?
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoLook at the high and mighty Easter Bunny, for example! He’s become so powerful, nay, so power-hungry, that he actually believes the law does not apply to him. Well one day he’ll come crashing down, Virgo, and no one will benefit from that.
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoYour love for nature will not allow you to stand idly by as we turn Mamma Earth into some post-apocalyptic wasteland. And I’m not talkin’ Dune, Leo, I’m talkin’ The Book of Eli, and hey, I love Denzel Washington as much as the next guy, but come on, that movie was no Remember the Titans, and if there's any kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland the Earth should turn into, we all know it should be the one from Road Warrior, but I'm rambling, Leo, I'm rambling...
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusBut like many strong strengths, it can be a double-edged sword. A double-edged sword that--instead of cutting your enemies down while you’re surrounded by lotus petals--somehow cuts you, Taurus. Maybe on your pinky, or ring finger. Maybe it won’t cut a finger at all, maybe it’ll cut something else entirely. Regardless, your sword, which is meant to help you, will actually hurt you. Okay, fine, I never really “got” this metaphor. Swords are awesome, that’s all I know.
Horrible Horoscopes: AriesI’m going to be honest, and I never thought I’d say this, but the Moon is really worried about your sperm count, Aries. Why does the Moon worry about your sperm count? I don’t know, bro. I just look at the alignment and communicate what it tells me, and right now the alignment of the Moon (and Harvard researchers) has some very foreboding things to say about your sperm.
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Sagittarius & CapricornCapricorn, the stars get it, sometimes you feel like you’re comin’ up a few inches short. It’s natural. You shouldn’t let these fears bother you, particularly when you’re in a relationship with Sagittarius, who will seize any inadequacy festering inside your psyche and use it to bludgeon your soul to a shapeless, disgusting pulp. Imagine bad mayonaise resting sluggishly in a jar. That will be your soul, Capricorn.