Horrible HoroscopesA roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don't let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoYour love for nature will not allow you to stand idly by as we turn Mamma Earth into some post-apocalyptic wasteland. And I’m not talkin’ Dune, Leo, I’m talkin’ The Book of Eli, and hey, I love Denzel Washington as much as the next guy, but come on, that movie was no Remember the Titans, and if there's any kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland the Earth should turn into, we all know it should be the one from Road Warrior, but I'm rambling, Leo, I'm rambling...
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoLeo, I get it, you’re evil. The stars don’t want to change you – keep on being you! If you want to mistreat everyone around you, why should the stars say otherwise?
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoSo stop blaming the full moon every time you do something stupid. Also, if you see Buzz Aldrin, tell him the Moon thinks he’s a jerk.
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoLeo, your life will be crushed not only by the metaphorical dump truck bearing down the road, but the literal dump truck bearing down the road.
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Leo & PiscesPisces, we all know you’d lie (and lay) your mother right into a shallow grave--telling her everything’s going to be alright as you shovel dirt onto her face--if it meant getting ahead in the world. And Leo, you’re no lion – your roar lacks its bite. You might have a great smile and a tender heart, but you couldn’t scare a Middle Eastern bully if your lunch money depended on it...
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoLeo, your love life ain’t a movie, so wise up. Sometimes, if you want things to work out, you gotta settle for someone who ain’t Ryan Gosling. Sometimes, you gotta settle for someone who isn’t even Michael Keaton.
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoI know, Fred Durst, you thought you were at the top of your game when you found an alternative, (dare I say, better?) way of spelling bizkit. And Ginger Spice, you're probably wondering how you can spice up everyone's lives any more than you already have! But let's be honest, your best days are ahead of you, not behind you, guys.
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday's Bad HoroscopesMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, "What's your sign?" at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius... ladies.

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