Love Horoscope

Well-kept government secret: Michelle and Barack OBUMMER met at Walmart. (Credit: JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

The stars know where you can find love, Cancer. Somewhere large and indoors. A place of perpetual sales and bright fluorescent lights. They employ your grandfather–a man who put in 40 years at the plant and deserves a break, dammit–as a door greeter making minimum wage. The amount of misery their employees go through is only rivaled by the amount of money you can save by shopping there.

03/11/2013

(Credit: BERTRAND LANGLOIS/AFP/GettyImages)

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Pisces

Look, guys, you’re a great couple. Aries and Pisces! You just go together really well. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like salami and mayonnaise. Like fried chicken nuggets on top of cheap mall pizza.

02/12/2013

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner Meet Young Fans

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Taurus

Aries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all. And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you! True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.

11/16/2012