The stars know where you can find love, Cancer. Somewhere large and indoors. A place of perpetual sales and bright fluorescent lights. They employ your grandfather–a man who put in 40 years at the plant and deserves a break, dammit–as a door greeter making minimum wage. The amount of misery their employees go through is only rivaled by the amount of money you can save by shopping there.
Look, guys, you’re a great couple. Aries and Pisces! You just go together really well. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like salami and mayonnaise. Like fried chicken nuggets on top of cheap mall pizza.
Aries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all. And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you! True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.
- Police: Man Touches Woman’s Leg At South Loop CTA StationPolice are looking for man who inappropriately touched a woman at a South Loop CTA station Tuesday morning.147
- Rapper Chief Keef Arrested In Georgia Hotel After Staff Smells MarijuanaChicago rapper Chief Keef makes no secret of his fondness for marijuana. The staff at the swanky LeMeridien Atlanta Perimeter hotel doesn’t share that fondness.144
- Florida Man Pleads Guilty In Fatal Stabbing Of Bears FanA Florida man has pleaded guilty to fatally stabbing a Bears fan who traveled to Jacksonville to see the Bears take on the Jaguars in October.619
- Man Critically Hurt In Jump From 3rd Floor Of HospitalA man was critically injured after attempting to jump from the window of a hospital Tuesday in the South Side Englewood neighborhood.201
- History Of Tornadoes In Chicago AreaTwisters with that kind of force that flattened Moore, Okla., have hit the Chicago area in the past, and have been extremely deadly.593
- Local Storm Chaser Describes ‘Sickening, Deafening Roar’ Of Oklahoma TornadoA south suburban man whose hobby is chasing storms was in Moore, Okla., on Monday when a massive tornado devastated the town, killing at least 24 people.224
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- Meet Jim Rome On Set In Los Angeles May 20, 2013AutoZone and the Jim Rome Show are giving one winner and a guest a trip to meet Jim Rome in Los Angeles on the set of his Showtime television show! Enter for your chance to win!
- Marquette County Convention & Visitors Bureau Post Game Show Giveaway May 10, 2013Listen to The Score’s Baseball Post Game Show for your chance to win a $100 lodging gift certificate from the Marquette County Convention & Visitors Bureau!