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Sagittarius

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!

03/21/2013

Even when Miley smiles at Liam, she seems critical... sigh. (Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for PCA)

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Sagittarius & Capricorn

Capricorn, the stars get it, sometimes you feel like you’re comin’ up a few inches short. It’s natural. You shouldn’t let these fears bother you, particularly when you’re in a relationship with Sagittarius, who will seize any inadequacy festering inside your psyche and use it to bludgeon your soul to a shapeless, disgusting pulp. Imagine bad mayonaise resting sluggishly in a jar. That will be your soul, Capricorn.

01/30/2013

(Credit: Frank Micelotta/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius

Sagittarius, the stars and the Moon (especially) have no moral compass. They don’t care if you break the law. In fact, sometimes, if you’re good at it, they encourage it. But you’re not good at it.

12/10/2012

A bronco. You are the rider. Republicans are the horse trying to buck you off. Democrats are the hard, hard ground that's going to break your fall. Have fun!  (Credit: Michael Smith/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius

Sagittarius, adults are forced to watch and listen to every grueling moment of an election. We can’t ignore the BS spewing from each candidate’s mouth. If we want to turn of the lies and replace them with, say, The Empire Strikes Back, we can’t. We’re grown-ups.

11/02/2012

Oh. Wow. There WAS an elephant. (Credit: Paula Bronstein/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius

How do you know when to stop drinking? When you’ve had so much to drink you’re dodging non-existant elephants on the road, you should probably give up the hooch…

10/16/2012

Fine, she's not a natural blonde, but she still broke my heart. (Credit: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/GettyImages)

Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius

But gimme some slack, this woman ripped my heart out and ate it with her bare hands, red blood and pink, hearty bits going down her chin as she chewed…

09/27/2012

NICE BATHROOM I'M WATCHING YOU :) (Credit: Dominic Lipinski - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscope: Sagittarius

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/21/2012

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

Friday’s Bad Horoscopes

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

06/22/2012