Horrible HoroscopesA roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don't let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusBut like many strong strengths, it can be a double-edged sword. A double-edged sword that--instead of cutting your enemies down while you’re surrounded by lotus petals--somehow cuts you, Taurus. Maybe on your pinky, or ring finger. Maybe it won’t cut a finger at all, maybe it’ll cut something else entirely. Regardless, your sword, which is meant to help you, will actually hurt you. Okay, fine, I never really “got” this metaphor. Swords are awesome, that’s all I know.
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusTaurus, sorry your Christmas presents never came. There’s nothing worse than waking up Christmas morning to find a tree (glowing with lights and ornaments) with no presents underneath. If you want to blame someone, don’t blame Santa, or your parents...
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusWho knows, maybe 5 years of being a hermit could help you reflect on the horrible things you’ve done and make you a better person. It's doubtful, but it could happen.
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusPeople are gullible sheep. Sheeple, if you want to get technical. Lie, and they’ll believe you. It can’t be a small lie though. Small lies never work. It’s gotta be a big lie. If you want to go to Disneyland, you can just say your children were kidnapped and you need to get them back Liam Neeson (a la Taken) style.
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Taurus Aries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all. And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you! True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusWhen will the fat cats in the government realize how important it is for little girls dressed like skunks to carry guns, Taurus? It's up to your ingenuity to convince them!
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusThe Moon feels it’s a monumental waste of time to oppose gay marriage, and doesn’t quite understand why the country of the “free” can’t just, you know, ALLOW EVERYONE THE SAME RIGHTS...
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday's Bad HoroscopesMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, "What's your sign?" at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius... ladies.

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