Taurus

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!

03/21/2013

Thanks for the birthday present, mom! (Credit: Harold Cunningham/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

But like many strong strengths, it can be a double-edged sword. A double-edged sword that–instead of cutting your enemies down while you’re surrounded by lotus petals–somehow cuts you, Taurus. Maybe on your pinky, or ring finger. Maybe it won’t cut a finger at all, maybe it’ll cut something else entirely. Regardless, your sword, which is meant to help you, will actually hurt you. Okay, fine, I never really “got” this metaphor. Swords are awesome, that’s all I know.

02/20/2013

I want to know where Santa's getting money to look so spiffy... (Credit: James McCauley/Harrods via Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

Taurus, sorry your Christmas presents never came. There’s nothing worse than waking up Christmas morning to find a tree (glowing with lights and ornaments) with no presents underneath. If you want to blame someone, don’t blame Santa, or your parents…

12/26/2012

Lookin' good there, Chris Brown. (Credit: David McNew/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

Who knows, maybe 5 years of being a hermit could help you reflect on the horrible things you’ve done and make you a better person. It’s doubtful, but it could happen.

11/29/2012

'Taken 2' South Korea Premiere

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

People are gullible sheep. Sheeple, if you want to get technical. Lie, and they’ll believe you. It can’t be a small lie though. Small lies never work. It’s gotta be a big lie. If you want to go to Disneyland, you can just say your children were kidnapped and you need to get them back Liam Neeson (a la Taken) style.

11/19/2012

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner Meet Young Fans

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Taurus

Aries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all. And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you! True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.

11/16/2012

Look, this kid is already making the world a better place and he hasn't even lost all his baby teeth! (Credit: PETRAS MALUKAS/AFP/GettyImages)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

When will the fat cats in the government realize how important it is for little girls dressed like skunks to carry guns, Taurus? It’s up to your ingenuity to convince them!

10/24/2012

The Moon doesn't usually make it to the Pride Parade, but he supports it. (credit: B96 Chicago)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

The Moon feels it’s a monumental waste of time to oppose gay marriage, and doesn’t quite understand why the country of the “free” can’t just, you know, ALLOW EVERYONE THE SAME RIGHTS…

09/24/2012

Mason Disick stealing Kourtney Kardashian's attention (Credit: Toby Canham/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/17/2012

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

Friday’s Bad Horoscopes

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

06/22/2012