CBS 2 Chicago wbbm7801059 670 The Score

Tale of the tape

More Likely To Send A Shiver Down Your Spine? Halloween Monsters Vs. Greg Schiano

Here at Tale of the Tape, we love Halloween. There’s plenty of free candy, there’s no obligation to visit your family, the temperature is still just right, the World Series is going on, football is in full swing, and chances you’ll be able to find at least one attractive person wearing a costume that makes you feel all funny inside. Such is this wonderful holiday.

But lest we forget, Halloween is also a time of spooooooky monsters. And so, this week, we’re reminded of the NFL’s current monster of the hour: Buccaneers head coach Greg Schiano. But who’s more likely to send a shiver down your spine: a cast of Halloween Monster All-Stars or Schiano? Let’s go to the tape.

(credit: Thomas Lohnes/Getty Images) (credit: Winslow Townson/Getty Images)
(credit: Thomas Lohnes/Getty Images) (credit: Winslow Townson/Getty Images)

Halloween Monsters

Greg Schiano

The classic version of Dracula (this is pre-Twilight) is a charming, seductive gentleman. He is fair skinned, mysterious, and - based on that big, dark mansion - probably rich. Very easy to fall for. Charismatic? Angry and screaming all the time.
For this, we look to the classic werewolf: a creature that’s almost human for most of the month, only to turn into a raging beast at the first sign of a full moon. Temperamental? Reports suggest that he’s a raging jerk 24/7.
Sure. Zombies are the ultimate biological weapon. With just a few zombies let loose, you could have a worldwide epidemic. Prone to Biological Outbreaks? While we can’t prove Schiano caused the MRSA outbreak in the Bucs locker room, and although it’s not as fatal as a zombie outbreak, it’s still super icky.
Quite the contrary. Frankenstein’s monster ended up killing his master, his master’s wife, and a few others. Spoiler alert, I guess. Able to be Tamed? Yep. Apparently, Schiano turns into an eager li’l puppy-dog around Bill Belichick
Not usually. There’s typically some attractive hero or heroine able to put these menaces back in their place. Able to defeat the mighty hero? Sadly, yes. He tried having the Bucs' Super Bowl MVP Dexter Jackson kicked out of practice when he stopped by to watch. And though that didn’t work, he kicked out a bunch of young fans.
I don't know. Jekyll and Hyde are pretty cool. And mummies are underrated. Awful? The actual worst.

The winner is

(credit: Winslow Townson/Getty Images)
Greg Schiano
4 out of 6

So there you have it, folks. With a score of 4-2, Bucs coach Greg Schiano has wrested the title of “Halloween’s Greatest Monster” from a full team of monsters. So, uh...congratulations?
-Brian Cullen, CBS Local Sports contributor

More Tales of the tape

  1. (Photo Credit: Getty Images/Richard Heathcote) (Photo Credit: Getty Images/Warren Little)
    Tale Of The Tape: Winter Olympics In Sochi Vs. FIFA World Cup In Brazil

    With both sites having their share of issues in hosting major international sporting events, we went to the tape to decide who was the worst host of 2014.

  2. U.S. soccer coach Jurgen Klinsmann. (Getty Images) Netherlands v Germany - Group B: UEFA EURO 2012
    Should U.S. Play For Win Or Tie Against Germany?

    Both Team USA and Germany can advance to the knockout stage of the World Cup if they tie Thursday’s match against one another. For either side — more notably, the U.S., because of its lesser [...]

  3. LeBron James in 2009 with Cleveland. (Getty Images) LeBron James (Photo Credit: Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: LeBron James Decision 1 Vs. Decision 2

    Let’s compare LeBron James’ first decision to leave the Cavs to his decision to opt out with the Heat.

See all Tales of the Tape