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Has the Lockout Made Favre Die Hard?
By Tim Baffoe-
Lockouts, strikes, etc. in sports usually bring out the worst in everybody. Players and owners look greedy, fans start to hate everybody involved, ex-players-turned-analysts have to try discussing mathematics, and something called the USFL gets to exist.
But with nobody mowing the proverbial NFL lawn since March, a weed has sprouted unnoticed and may have exploded its puffy white life-sucking head into airborne particles, and it would be the worst thing a labor dispute in sports has ever produced. Sadly, Brett Favre may be coming back, folks.
I know what you’re thinking: “This is like at the end of Die Hard when everything seemed fine, but then the terrorist who looks like Heidi Montag after her twelfth facelift and who you thought was dead, but you really knew he wasn’t because nobody dies in a chain lift, and there’s no way the hero gets away that easily, returns all Passion of the Christ-like and almost kills John McClane, but the guy who was also Carl Winslow shoots and kills the blonde dude in time.” Yes, that is what you were thinking.
Nobody can honestly say they never saw this coming, just like that predictable movie plot twist. The Favre weed is now an annual part of our football culture, especially when it is allowed to exist. There will always be one team willing to sign a clown like Favre, just like the one weirdo on your block whose lawn looks like Robin Williams’ back hair.
While the usual suspect to have an unkempt yard with room for one more odd flamingo or ceramic frog would be Raiders owner Al Davis and his collection of lost kids’ baseballs and souls, the Philadelphia Eagles are the team rumored to be interested in The Ol’ Textslinger’s services.
The only problem at the moment is Carl Winslow is not coming out of retirement.
And in disgusting irony, while giving the majority of football fans another season long kick in the teeth, signing Favre could make sense for the Eagles. Consider: Mike Vick is an injury risk with his style of play (and with shortened preseason training, there’s going to be a spike in injuries leaguewide), Kevin Kolb is as good as traded once the lockout officially ends, and St. Rita High School and Northwestern product Mike Kafka is an unproven backup.
There are worse insurance policies than a proven old guy with a penchant for sexting. This insurance policy, should it get used, would end up being one where your house burns down and they build you a new one so long as you agree to live with Rachel Nichols for the next eight months (note: when cooking, she has a shellfish allergy).
The lockout itself was a perfect dark alley for Favre to lurk in with his… master plan in hand. There was little to no talk since he retired—for the third time—about him coming back. All football focus was centered wholly on the labor dispute, and Favre was able to lick his PR wounds privately and figure out how to get back in the game his ego just cannot quit. Couple that with Favre’s well-known hatred of training camp and the fact that all teams’ training camps are now severely shortened, and the whole situation is about as perfect for Favre as a random muddy patch of farmland, a pickup truck, and a bunch of guys playing slow motion football in blue jeans.
It is no guarantee as of yet that Favre is on the same page as the Eagles. Vick tweeted early Sunday that he’d be “honored to have Brett Favre as a backup,” but then that tweet mysteriously vanished. Knowing Favre’s self love, too, it’s reasonable to assume the guy would never accept a backup job.
But you may want to brace yourself for the trickling of reports that Favre was seen working out with a high school team in Mississippi, Crocs flying off shelves in Philly, seeing what Jenn Sterger’s chest has to say on the matter, and the entire staff of the network in Bristol being dispatched to Favre Watch 2011 and having that massaged into your sports head with a chainsaw until the rumor dies, or worse, is confirmed.
I don’t like that the lockout made sports media extra boring and tedious. I don’t like that most players probably won’t be in peak game condition by Week 1. I don’t like that the Hall of Fame Glorified Practice between the Bears and Rams got canceled, and now I have to wait longer to make a case for why quarterback Nathan Enderle should be starting after lighting up a fourth-string defense.
But if the lockout awakens the flaccid gray monster that is Brett Favre, my football life will go from the joy of dodging a bullet that could have been lost regular season games to the equivalent of having to deal with a Gruber brother in a different city all over again. And like the fourth John McClane movie, another season with Favre will be one too many.
Yippie ki yay.
Why do you want to work for 670THESCORE.COM and CBSCHICAGO.COM?
As an avid sports fan, I cannot imagine a better job than one that would allow me to discuss a passion of mine. The Score has long been my favorite radio station, and it would be a dream fulfilled to be able to say that I am one of the people that contributes to the smartest, funniest, and best source of what Chicago sports fans are talking about.
In regards to Chicago sports, what do you have the most knowledge and interest in?
As far as knowledge, baseball is the game of which I’ve been a lifelong student, and I can’t recall a day that has gone by where I haven’t debated a baseball topic with somebody, whether during the season or the Hot Stove winter. My interest right now, though, is mostly toward Rose, Scalabrine (he’ll be back… I hope) and Co. and how the Bulls are on the cusp of a title, as well as whether Jay Cutler and a talented defense can overcome what may be some serious roster holes to be an elite team in the NFL and if Lovie Smith can go another year without being mistaken for a manila folder.
What is your favorite sports memory of all time?
A prominent member of the 1985 Bears ran me over with his car back in 2000. I was taking a break from my job with the Chicago Trolley Co. to use the bathroom at the Taste of Chicago, and walked through a private parking lot. A large SUV was quickly pulling into a parking space just as I was cutting through it. Next thing I know, I was on my back in pain and wondering what happened, and a very large man with a worried look on his face was standing over me. He helped me up, apologizing over and over, and then bought me lunch in his private tent… after I swore I wouldn’t sue him.
If you could share one thing about yourself to score listeners, what would it be?
I’m one of you–lifelong city resident, worked every type of job that you can imagine other than cab driver and exotic dancer (at least as far as my family knows), a longtime Score listener, emailer, texter, and infamous caller (though I won’t tell you my call in name right now). Therefore, I feel the same kind of things you feel about our teams, players, coaches, and other sports figures. But while I’m very opinionated, I also love to laugh about it all, and I always try to make the Chicago sports pill easier to swallow with humor.
Which 670 The Score on-air personality do you admire most? Why?
Jason Goff. The man is such a talented producer adding humor and insight to The Boers and Bernstein Show as well as a successful host, which is most obvious with his ability to seamlessly host different shows and timeslots, solo or with a partner, weekdays or weekends. Jason is smart—about sports and nonsports issues, funny, controversial, and not afraid to call it how he sees it. He is his own man, take it or leave it. I would say it’s like I have a twin, but I’m not that handsome… nor am I black.
Why would listeners want to read your blogs?
Anybody can get sports opinions from a million places on the internet, and most of them are boring, unoriginal, and leave a reader walking away feeling like he or she just read directions on how to make ice cubes (an exception, of course, being the finely-crafted blogs on 670THESCORE.COM). People who have heard or read my sports thoughts agree with them sometimes and disagree with them others, but none of them walk away without having something stirred up in them—laughter, anger, the need for a shower, or anything in between. My number one goal in my writing is to never have readers say it brought no reaction from them.
If you could meet one sports figure, who would it be and why?
Any of them that will accidentally hit me with a car again so that I can get rich this time. That or Ozzie Guillen because we both speak about 75% of each other’s native language, and over drinks that would be hilarious.
What is your favorite sports team?
Any writer worth his or her salt has dealt with a life of trauma, abuse, heartbreak, and self-hatred… so obviously I love the Cubs.
How would your life change if you were chosen as the 2011 Score Search winner?
Lots more women and drugs for sure. Being a validated sports writer, though, has been something I wanted to be since I was a kid, and how many people actually get to be what they wanted to be as a kid? More importantly, my opinions on the crazy world that is Chicago sports would actually mean something to more than just friends and family, being read and discussed by other avid sports fans like me in the best sports town in the country. To know that even one stranger would make it a point to read what I think about sports—I don’t know if I could ask for better right now.