3 Ways Teachers Can Blow Off Rahm-Induced Stress

March 28, 2013 2:27 PM

Getting pumped-up before a race. (Credit: Mason Johnson)

By Mason Johnson

Has the man got you down, teachers? Is that man’s name Rahm Emanuel? Are you looking for a miracle, a savior to swoop in and solve all your problems?

Well, teachers, I am not that savior.

I can barely dress myself without putting my Star Wars boxers on backwards, let alone solve complex political problems. Who’s right, who’s wrong? I can’t tell you, cause I don’t know! I can, however, suggest a few ways teachers can take that crushing anguish acquired while fighting for their communities, and relieve it just the tiniest bit.

No, don’t thank me, it’s my pleasure. All I ask in return is that you stop yourself from pointing out my punctuation mistakes. Ever again. Deal? Thanks.

(Credit: magnoliabakery.com)

(Credit: magnoliabakery.com)


Magnolia Bakery
108 N State St #128 (Inside Block 37)
Chicago, IL

What’s with apples? Why do students give teachers apples? Honestly, if you give me an apple, yes, I’ll bite into it, but only to spit it back in your face.

Cupcakes though… Cupcakes are where it’s at! Cupcakes are like apples, in that they’re not like apples at all, which is their best quality. Now, I’m not a scientist (lawyer, doctor, or anything useful, really), but I’m pretty certain cupcakes will give you a much better energy boost than an apple ever could.

So next time you’re on your way to a protest at Daley Plaza, stop by Magnolia Bakery down the block and fill your gullet with cupcakes. Magnolia is originally from New York, but you shouldn’t hold that against them — they make some of the best baked treats you can find downtown. Personally, I love their red velvet cupcake. If they sold the vanilla icing from these in a 5-gallon tub, I’d buy one and cower in the bathtub with it whenever I’m sad (which is pretty much always).

I’m so lonely.

But enough about me! I’d make sure to get to Magnolia nice and early to ensure everything’s fresh and moist. Nothing’s sadder than a stale cupcake.

(credit: Bottom Lounge's Facebook)

(credit: Bottom Lounge’s Facebook)


Bottom Lounge
1375 West Lake Street
Chicago, IL 60607

Let’s face it, after leaving central booking (because, you know, you were arrested for protesting your butt off), you’ll probably need a drink.

How about the Bottom Lounge? They’ve got plenty of space, offer food, have a great alcohol selection and throw a lot of great shows in their back room. Also, they don’t allow kids (or students) in. Obviously. I’d imagine this would be one of the few pre-requisites for a teacher in search of a good bar (not to mention the law).

Another plus: Bottom Lounge is the official after-party location for the Windy City Rollers. I don’t know about you, but if I want to let off some steam, it seems like a good idea to do it with someone who rolls around in a circle beating the crap out of others.

Getting pumped-up before a race. (Credit: Mason Johnson)

Getting pumped-up before a race. (Credit: Mason Johnson)


Melrose Park Indoor Grand Prix
2225 W.North Avenue
Melrose Park, IL

Let’s face it — modern civilization has failed us. Politics are a big heap of dung. We all know Karen Lewis and Rahm Emanuel are incapable of NOT acting like brats, so let’s find a way for them to settle their differences that might actually work.

I say we try go-kart racing.

Now, Melrose Park Indoor Grand Prix isn’t kid stuff, it’s big boy (and girl) stuff (though they do have a small, kids’ track). This place is serious. They’ve got fast go-karts, sweet jumpsuits you can wear and snacks. Also — and this is important — they will, in fact, kick you out if you’re crashing into people too much, start driving the wrong way, or run into the wall on purpose.

I know this from experience.

So how about it, Rahm and Karen? Care to put the pedal to the metal and solve your problems like true ‘MERICANS?

In all seriousness, there’s a problem when the mayor and teachers can’t stop butting heads. We’ve got multiple communities desperately lacking decent education, jobs and social welfare, and very few solutions anyone can agree on. Sure, you could try to throw money at these problems, but as it turns out, the state and city are trying desperately to climb out of debt.

Chicago’s bleeding out and no one can agree on the proper way to tie a damn tourniquet. Personally, I don’t know what to do. I hope the people who can help start figuring things out soon though, start talking to each other like adults, because I don’t like where the city is headed.

Thankfully, while I wait for the world to improve, I’ve got cupcakes to help deal with the stress. That’s what matters.

Mason Johnson would beat you in a go-kart race. He’d probably be really bad at roller derby. He has a twitter account that is both unintelligent and inappropriate.

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