By Mason Johnson
How is Chicago seen through the eyes of YouTube? Through hours of research, Mason Johnson attempts to answer this very question as if he’s an anthropologist. Except he’s not an anthropologist. He’s an idiot.
Chicago is better known for its infamous characters—its criminals and corrupt politicians—than it is for its saviors. However terrible our past, present and future, there’s one figure we can adore with confidence, knowing he’s the hero we deserve: Eagle Man.
But! Is he all he seems to be? Is this hero of the 90s truly the hero he was made out to be in the Eagle Insurance commercials? Is Chicago rotten right to the core? What if he’s a fake? A charlatan? What if he’s not even from Chicago, what if he’s from Naperville? Are these even questions we want to know the answers to?
If the answer is, “no,” stop reading now.
Eagle Man: What We Know
Before we get to the speculation, lets look at the pure facts:
Eagle Man is a humanoid eagle who may or may not be a man.
Female American Eagles lay eggs, while male and female eagles take turns sitting on them.
Eagle Man poops out eggs.
Eagle Man is a little cross-eyed.
Eagle Man can fly.
Eagle Man is often nude, which makes sense (you try pooping out an egg with pants on).
Eagle Man’s offspring are apparently insurance salesmen, with the exception of Glengarry, Glen and Ross who went on to become real estate agents.
Eagle Man has no qualms with damaging cars.
Eagle Man does not have a Chicago accent (or a mustache). His accent, a cross between someone from New Jersey and someone who is mentally disabled, could be from anywhere. Absolutely anywhere.
And those are the facts. Now let’s speculate…
Eagle Man: The Superhero
It is quite possible that Eagle Man is merely a do-gooder attempting to improve the lives of those around him. He can fly, which is definitely in his favor, but he has no cape, or mask, nor does he wear any spandex whatsoever. This makes the possibility that he’s a superhero a bit too ambiguous for me.
Eagle Man: The G-Man
Maybe Eagle Man isn’t a champion of the people. Maybe he’s a champion of the corrupt government that steps on the little people (like you and me, bub) day-in-day-out. For one, he dispenses insurance in a state that legally requires car owners to own car insurance. Bull cocky! It’s quite possible that the government, seeing the angry proletariat ready to riot as they get tired of being told what to do, created Eagle Man as a plot to spread goodwill between the general populace and the idea of car insurance.
I know this sounds a bit crazy, but think about it. What’s the best way to deal with a rioting lower class? Do you wait till they riot, angry they “have to buy car insurance,” that the “banks keep cheating them” and that “women can’t make choices about their own bodies,” or do you create a false, cartoonish, man-eagle superhero to calm the dumb masses down?
Eagle Man: The Company Man
What if he isn’t a super hero or a pawn of the government? Maybe he’s just an advertising tool. Maybe he’s a creation of a company that wants to move car insurance, that wants to make major bucks (cash-money-dolla-billz). And, clearly, the one sure-fire way to make money is to invent a cartoon-like superhero. Because that’s what adults love. Because that’s how adults make their decisions. By listening to a character that is so stupid only a toddler could have invented it. And not even a smart toddler. A lame toddler. One of the toddlers that tries to fit the triangle piece through the circle hole.
Let’s face it, if Eagle Insurance really wanted to sell insurance, they’d use a slightly cute but mostly annoying actress, end of story. (Can someone tell Flo from Progressive I say hi?)
Eagle Man: The Conclusion
I have no conclusion. Honestly, my questions have merely spawned more questions and haven’t illuminated the true meaning behind Eagle Man’s existence whatsoever.
This is depressing.
If you want me, I’ll be eating ice cream in the bathtub.
Want to submit a Chicago-themed YouTube video for Mason to watch? Suggest the link in the comment section!
Mason Johnson, CBS Chicago