By Mason Johnson
Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.
Something good is going to happen to you today! Cool, right?
It’s surprising, since you’re a bad person and all.
But it’s still nice that something good is coming your way!
Sure, you treat your family like trash, but who cares?!
Something good is going to happen to you!
Sure, you hid your mother’s medicine. The medicine she needs to live. But that doesn’t matter.
Cause something good is happening to you!
And your father! You’re the apple of his eye. What do you do? You play William Tell with him. Not literally. Figuratively. Aiming arrow-like insults at him. The things you call him!
But something good is going to happen to you :)
Remember that wheel chair ramp you covered in grease? No? You don’t? You’ve done so many horrible things that you’re starting to forget them? Who needs to remember them, anyway?
Something good’s going to happen to you.
I hate you.
Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!
Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.