By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Denzel looks so lonely… (Credit: Alcon Entertainment/Warner Brothers/The Book of Eli)

Leo

Leo, you wonderful lion, the circle of life is to be respected. The stars realize you’re bombarded by the enemies of Mother Nature: over population, carbon emissions and, worst of all… littering.

But you must not give up!

Your love for nature will not allow you to stand idly by as we turn Mamma Earth into some post-apocalyptic wasteland. And I’m not talkin’ Dune, Leo, I’m talkin’ The Book of Eli, and hey, I love Denzel Washington as much as the next guy, but come on, that movie was no Remember the Titans, and if there’s any kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland the Earth should turn into, we all know it should be the one from Road Warrior, but I’m rambling, Leo, I’m rambling…

Rise up, Leo! Rise up and fight the destruction of our environment. Fight with all your power and all your might!

Just, you know, don’t bite anyone in the face. If there’s a line, that’s probably it.

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology, but he does remember the titans fondly, and now that he thinks about it, The Book of Eli wasn’t such a bad movie. Follow his extremely inappropriate and unintelligent twitter here.