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Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

April 4, 2013 2:00 PM

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Lady Gaga very likely giving Eminem, a Libra, some great advice... (Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

Lady Gaga very likely giving Eminem, a Libra, some great advice… (Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

Lady Gaga very likely giving Eminem, a Libra, some great advice... (Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

Lady Gaga very likely giving Eminem, a Libra, some great advice… (Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Libra

Libra, you’ve been cheating on astrology.

Don’t deny it. The stars and the Moon aren’t stupid, ya know. They can see you, sitting there in your living room, putting your trust in crazy pseudo-sciences like “genetics.”

Have you gone out of your mind? That stuff can’t tell you what your mood will be like. Only your astrological sign can do that. When Lady Gaga sings “Born this Way,” she isn’t talking about the crippling depression hiding away in your DNA, Libra. Why? Because there’s no such thing as DNA!

Lady Gaga has a forced heart-to-heart with Will Smith, who's a Libra. (Credit: Larry Busacca/Getty Images North America)

Lady Gaga has a forced heart-to-heart with Will Smith, who’s a Libra. (Credit: Larry Busacca/Getty Images North America)

Everyone knows it’s just a liberal myth created in an attempt to control the masses.

(Crippling depression however is very real someone please help me.)

While we’re still on the subject of your infidelity, we’re tired of you going to the “internet” when you need to learn about the “birds and the bees.” What can faceborg, googles or some new mobile app teach you that the bull, creepy twins, prude lady, invisible archer, or Simba can’t?

Stick with astrology, Libra. Show a little faith in the stars and you just might have a good day. Maybe.

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology, but knows quite a bit about Lady Gaga. Follow his extremely inappropriate and unintelligent twitter here.

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