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Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

February 4, 2013 2:00 PM

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Take a cue from King Pisces Chuck Norris and learn how to be a decent human being (and how to round house kick). (Credit: Newsmakers)

Take a cue from King Pisces Chuck Norris and learn how to be a decent human being (and how to round house kick). (Credit: Newsmakers)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Take a cue from King Pisces Chuck Norris and learn how to be a decent human being (and how to round house kick). (Credit: Newsmakers)

Take a cue from King Pisces Chuck Norris and learn how to be a decent human being (and how to round house kick). (Credit: Newsmakers)

Pisces

It’s always about you, isn’t it, Pisces?

Of course it is! Look at you now, sitting in front of your computer, reading your horoscope, barely even acknowledging my existence…

Have you ever thought to ask how I’m doing? Have you ever looked up at the sky and considered what kind of mood the constellations are in? Have you ever waved to the moon just to say hi?

No. You only consider the Moon when YOU need something, Pisces. Me and the Moon give give give and all you do is take take take. You’re like some sort of… machine… that takes things. Scratch that, that was a horrible simile, you’re more like that chick who puts her snow boots up on the seat of the train and pretends no one wants her seat, which of course is true because she’s tracked snow and dirt and water all over the seat and who wants to sit in dirty water?! Actually, you’re even worse than that, Pisces. You’re like that woman on the train if that woman were a black hole. A black hole with dirty, dirty boots.

(If you had bothered to ask how I’m doing, Pisces, you’d find out that I had a crappy train ride this morning. But you didn’t ask, so now you’ll never know.)

Is good fortune coming your way? Is the love of your life right in front of your eyes? How do your job prospects look? Is that rash on your unmentionables ever going to clear up?

You will get none of these answers—not one—until you start showing that you care about how others are doing, Pisces.

p.s.

The moon says you’re a jerk.

Read more Horrible Horoscopes. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and could take Chuck Norris… out to dinner.

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