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Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

January 28, 2013 2:00 PM

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Oh my thunder God. Look at those beautiful arms. Imagine! Imagine the majestic, clapping those arms produce. (Credit: Midway Games/Threshold Entertainment/New Line CInema)

Oh my thunder God. Look at those beautiful arms. Imagine! Imagine the majestic, clapping those arms produce. (Credit: Midway Games/Threshold Entertainment/New Line CInema)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Oh my thunder God. Look at those beautiful arms. Imagine! Imagine the majestic, clapping those arms produce. (Credit: Midway Games/Threshold Entertainment/New Line CInema)

Oh my thunder God. Look at those beautiful arms. Imagine! Imagine the majestic, clapping those arms produce. (Credit: Midway Games/Threshold Entertainment/New Line CInema)

Scorpio

Scorpio, if I could simultaneously do a slow clap and a rapid, excited clap, I would.

But I can’t. I only have two hands, Scorpio. That limits me to one style of clapping. Sometimes I think about how cool it would be to have, say, two extra hands. And, you know, not somewhere useless like my butt-cheeks. Like maybe I’d have two extra arms underneath my actual arms and then at the ends of those arms would be my two extra hands. And with those extra hands, I’d do a frenzied excited clap while my regular hands above do a slow clap. I can barely keep a beat, but I think I could pull this off. Provided I had the extra hands, that is.

Anyway, you did good Scorpio. The stars see great things ahead for you, especially if you keep standing up for the beautiful people around you. Even the moon likes you, and that surly sonuvagun doesn’t like anyone.

Have a great frickin’ day, buddy.

Read more Horrible Horoscopes. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.

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