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Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

January 17, 2013 2:00 PM

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Any movie with Nic Cage using a southern accent is a good movie and 'Con Air' is a GREAT movie. (Credit: Touchstone Pictures / Jerry Bruckheimer Films)

Any movie with Nic Cage using a southern accent is a good movie and ‘Con Air’ is a GREAT movie. (Credit: Touchstone Pictures / Jerry Bruckheimer Films)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Any movie with Nic Cage using a southern accent is a good movie and 'Con Air' is a GREAT movie. (Credit: Touchstone Pictures / Jerry Bruckheimer Films)

Any movie with Nic Cage using a southern accent is a good movie and ‘Con Air’ is a GREAT movie. (Credit: Touchstone Pictures / Jerry Bruckheimer Films)

Virgo

Virgo, as you fly through life in a magically unexplainable way, possibly like a 747 (woh, dude, it just occurred to me, planes are big hunks of metal, how do they stay in the air???), the stars have some simple advice:

Don’t lose your head.

Avoid the guillotine that is strife and hold your head high. Sure, face your problems head-on if ya feel you need to, but there’s no need to get ahead of yourself. If the calamities in your life won’t budge, always keep a cool head…

… and make sure to use your head.

Now head out there and live your life, Virgo!

Read more Horrible Horoscopes. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and is sorry about all the stupid puns — he only meant to use intelligent, funny puns, but apparently those don’t exist.

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