By Mason Johnson
Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.
Virgo, as you fly through life in a magically unexplainable way, possibly like a 747 (woh, dude, it just occurred to me, planes are big hunks of metal, how do they stay in the air???), the stars have some simple advice:
Avoid the guillotine that is strife and hold your head high. Sure, face your problems head-on if ya feel you need to, but there’s no need to get ahead of yourself. If the calamities in your life won’t budge, always keep a cool head…
… and make sure to use your head.
Now head out there and live your life, Virgo!
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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and is sorry about all the stupid puns — he only meant to use intelligent, funny puns, but apparently those don’t exist.