By Mason Johnson
Did 2012 break you, too? Did it stomp you into the little, wretched human being your mother always claimed you’d turn into?
WELL MA, YOU WERE RIGHT. HAPPY NOW?
Just shake it off, buddy. Seriously, everyone has a bad day… week… year… every once in awhile. It happens. All you need to do is blow off some steam.
How do I suggest you do this?
Option 1: Boxed Wine & Penny Rides
The CTA Penny Rides program is back! And it’s sponsored by everyone’s favorite battery acid: Miller Lite (to be fair, it’s really more like watered down battery acid). Why not just ride the train all dang night?
Or, play CTA Party Roulette. It’s a game I just made up. Right now. How many parties were you invited to on NYE? A million, I bet. Nobody likes me, and even I have a few dozen invites to choose from. Instead of making the difficult decision of playing favorites, just fill a camelback with Franzia (only the finest!) and ride the train until you run out of alcohol. Then! Determine which of the many parties you’ve been invited to is closest, and show up.
The key here is to not get arrested for public intoxication (I’m not bailing you out) or to drunkenly fall and hit your head on an L seat (I don’t need the guilt of your blood on my hands).
Option 2: Circus Punk & White Mysteries
White Mystery is one of Chicago’s best bands, so why not spend New Year’s Eve with them? Don’t get jealous just because this red-headed, brother-sister duo are far better at playing awesome, fast, gnarly (do people still say gnarly?) rock than you are, just go and enjoy them!
Also playing is Mucca Pazza, a punk-inspired marching band. Yeah, they’re exactly as awesome as they sound. They’re loud and angry and they have sweet costumes and horns and are nerds and there’s dancing and it basically all combines to make one of the best experiences you’ll have. Even if you’re an awkward nerd who hates dancing, you’ll be stomping your feet to Mucca Pazza.
I actually saw Mucca Pazza on New Year’s Eve at the Logan Auditorium two years ago. It was amazing. Admittedly, I did go upstairs into the off-limits band area and “borrow” a bunch of their alcohol, and for that, I feel really, really bad. Really bad. So I’m apologizing here. Sorry. Also! The day after this show, I woke up with a new girlfriend! Crazy, right? If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll wake up next to someone you love the morning after attending Mucca Pazza’s New Year’s show. It’s doubtful, since you’re a terrible human being, but ya never know!
Option 3: Burlesque & Video Games & Star Wars
Happy Nude Year!: A Gorilla Tango Burlesque NYE Striptacular
1919 N. Milwaukee Ave.
Chicago, IL 60647
Gorilla Tango Event Page
Burlesque! Get this, broseph. Women, like, dance around and take off their clothes. It’s, like, super awesome, dude. And stuff. Women. Bro.
Okay, lemme drop the misogynistic jerk act for a second and admit that scantily clad women–while nice–is not the real reason to go to Gorilla Tango on New Year’s Eve. The real reason to go see excerpts from some of their best burlesque shows on New Year’s Eve: They’re really fun. They’re well made, funny, clever shows. Sure, nudity is ever-present in a lot of burlesque, but it’s there for the sake of comedy and parody, not for exploitation.
And Gorilla Tango achieves the parody aspect of burlesque really well. They’re able to take Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Super Mario Bros. and make some of the best parodies of modern pop culture you won’t find anywhere else. That’s cool.
Option 4: Wash Away The Dirt
Finally, my favorite option: Stay home soaking in the bathtub and trying to wash off the literal and metaphorical dirt you’ve collected over the past year.
1. Don’t just let the water get cold. Run the hot water every once in awhile. Not only does it feel better than lukewarm water, but the fact that you’re willing to turn a nob every fifteen minutes shows the world that you still have the will to live!
2. Drink straight from the bottle. Why? Because it’s easier to spill your drink when you’re drinking out of a glass. Also, it’s easier to get your salty, pathetic tears into a glass. Try getting your tears into a narrow, bottle though! No, really, that’s a challenge. Trust me from experience, it’s hard.
3. Don’t drown.
Seriously, this sounds like a horribly depressing way to spend your New Year, but it’ll ensure you enter 2013 cleaner than you’ve ever been!
Whatever you do, just make sure to enter 2013 determined to be better. The world’s an awful place and we all make mistakes along the way, but we’re also capable of being the positive change we want to see.
So be the change you want to see.
Mason Johnson is a horrible human being. You should never take his advice and always remember to stay safe and drink responsibly.