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What The Real & Fake Smiles At The Golden Globes Really Mean

January 14, 2013 2:00 PM

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(Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

(Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

I may have no idea who half the people at the Golden Globes are, but I do know smiles. As a miserable adult, I fake smile throughout most of my day. This makes me an expert. Maybe?

Anyway, here’s my “expert” analyzation of some of the best smiles at last night’s Golden Globes…

(Credit: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/Getty Images)

(Credit: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/Getty Images)

Anne Hathaway

Smile: Real

Known for: Bride Wars
Likes: Cats
Dislikes: SpaghettiOs
Was nominated for, and won, a Golden Globe for her miserable performance in Les Miserables

This smile is about as genuine as a smile can get in Hollywood. Have you seen Les Miserables? It’s a music about misery. Literal misery. Anne Hathaway’s character goes through so many depressing events that many theatre-goers leave the movie in tears. For many sons, this is the first time they’ve seen their father’s cry — shattering the very meaning if “manhood” for them.

This is no feel-good film.

And Anne has got to be happy about this. The mere thought of all the people she’s made miserable through her amazing acting and singing has kept her warm and full of smiles since the release of Les Miserables.

(Credit: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/Getty Images)

(Credit: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/Getty Images)

Leonardo DiCaprio

Smile: Floundering

Known for: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
Likes: Growing Pains
Dislikes: Boats
Was nominated for, and lost, a Golden Globe for Django Unchained

Leonardo DiCaprio, the man who has everything…

… Except for a second Golden Globe.

See that picture to the right? That’s the biggest smile Leonardo can muster. The happiest he’s able to look. Soured so many times by the rejection of major awards, he’s turned bitter. The Golden Globe he earned for The Aviator just ain’t enough, apparently. His insatiable appetite needs more!

And who can blame him? Clearly he deserves an award for playing a racist slave-owner…

… Or maybe not.

(credit: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/Getty Images)

(credit: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/Getty Images)

Taylor Swift

Smile: Real (but for the wrong reasons)

Known for: Having boyfriends
Likes: Boyfriends
Dislikes: Jokes about how many boyfriends she’s gone through
Was nominated for, and lost, a Golden Globe for her song in Hunger Games

There’s only one thing this insidious smile can mean: Taylor Swift just farted.

It seems doubtful she’s regretful. For one, she’s probably hoping the press, who won’t stop butting into her personal life, gets a whiff of what she’s just, um, dispensed.

Later, as she loses out on a Golden Globe to Adele, she will probably regret wasting all of her gaseous weaponry so early in the night.

(Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

(Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

George Clooney

Smile: Real

Known for: Batman & Robin
Likes: Brad Pitt
Dislikes: Medical dramas
Wasn’t nominated for jack at this year’s Golden Globes

Of course his smile is genuine. He’s George Clooney. He has it all. Do you know what he’s thinking in that picture?

“I’m George Clooney. I have it all.”

Man I wish I were George Clooney.

(Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

(Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

Zooey Deschanel

Smile: Fake

Known for: Dumping that dude from that band
Likes: World domination
Dislikes: Singing in key
Was nominated, and lost, a Golden Globe for New Girl

Zooey’s smiles serve one purpose: to prove to the world around her that she isn’t an emotionless psychopath.

But she is! Her cutesy ways are all an act to facilitate her psychopath wants. She doesn’t experience joy, anger, or any other emotion you and I, dear reader, experience. All she experiences is the hunger to accomplish her goals, regardless of what it takes.

If she had to strangle a ward full of newborn babies to get what she wanted, she would. Thankfully, killing infants would negatively affect the ratings for New Girl, so it’s doubtful she’ll ever do that.

Mason Johnson knows nothing about celebrities, but doesn’t mind making stupid jokes about them.

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