By Mason Johnson
This article isn’t for the “happily single.” You people sicken me with your mountains of confidence and carefree smiles. Go read Metromix or something, I’m sure they’ve got plenty of guides detailing singles bars for the happy, well-adjusted of Chicago.
This article is for those of us who dream about never having to leave our beds, comfortably blanketed in our own self-loathing (and, well, literal blankets). This article is for the people who not only have no one to love, but also don’t love themselves.
Anyway, below are three things that will hopefully make the miserable of the world a little less miserable on this infamous day.
Happy freakin’ Valentine’s Day.
1537 North Milwaukee Avenue
Chicago, IL 60622
Step 1: put on pants. It sucks. I know. But if you’re going to go out and attempt to be less miserable, you’re going to need pants. Trust me, I know from experience how important pants in public can be. Don’t get confused, I don’t care if you get arrested, it’s just really cold out.
After you have some pants on, go to iCream. Seeing as how it’s winter, try the amazing hot pudding. If it’s not chocolate, you ain’t got no taste. There’s two ways to eat this very hot treat:
The more miserable individuals out there can scarf it down as fast as possible. It’s so hot it will probably burn your throat*, momentarily making you forget just how miserable this sorry excuse of a world is.
Or, you could take your time and wait for it to cool down. It tastes quite good when it’s not burning your mouth.
*Note, please do not harm yourself. Self-harm isn’t cool, and I don’t want to get sued.
We love it. The bed is the embryo we never want to grow out of. Sweet comfort emanates from your pillows, not to mention the glow of your laptop playing Netflix Instant.
But it’s Valentine’s Day, so let’s try something special! You know how you hate those chocolate boxes shaped like hearts, but love the chocolate inside? Abandon your inhibitions, drag your bed into the candy aisle of Walgreens, surround yourself with red hearts, and gorge, my friend.
If you bite into a flavor you hate (coconut, disgusting!), just spit it back into the box or onto the floor. I don’t know how many boxes you’ll get through before you’re tear-gassed and arrested, but people like us will pay any price for the temporary happiness chocolate bestows upon our putrid souls.
960 W 18th, Chicago, IL 60608
On occasions like these, bars aren’t your worst option. Before you pick a bar, you should first make sure they aren’t doing anything special for V-Day. Then, make sure they have food – you’re gonna be holed-up there for awhile.
As far as I can tell, Simone’s fits both of these requirements. Their calendar looks open and their food is great. For the bleeding hearts out there (get some apathy, ya losers), you’ll be happy to know Simone’s is environmentally conscious, from the food to the decorations on the walls. This is particularly amazing, since the place looks great. Granted, it’s retro, but great retro, so don’t be surprised if you see Ninja Turtles cartoons on their TV screens.
Also, if someone starts hitting on you, lead them along.
Then crush them.
You may start thinking, “Wow, they’re kinda cute…” but let’s face it, there’s a reason they’re alone on Valentine’s Day.
And, well, I guess there’s a reason you’re alone on Valentine’s Day too.
You can worry about that tomorrow though! Today, today is for gorging and drinking and crushing the hearts of barflies. If that’s what you’re into. And if it’s not? Don’t be afraid to grab happiness by the neck and wrestle it into submission. Today’s not the day to be held back by negativity. Today’s a day of acceptance. Of moving forward. Of realizing that no, you don’t love yourself, but if you come to accept your quirks and imperfections instead of spending all your time batting them away, maybe, just maybe, you’ll begin to like yourself.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Mason Johnson loves chocolate and has an extremely immature and inappropriate twitter account. Don’t tweet him tonight though, he’s got a hot date. That is not a lie.