By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Guess who’s not funny this week? Most of the people making Aaron Hernandez jokes. And that’s because the majority of the really bad jokes fall into one of three categories:READ MORE: 15-Year-Old Critically Wounded, Among 2 Shot In Belmont Heights Online Sale Meetup
1. Hernandez the “tight end” is going to jail. Oh, I get it. Because he could get raped. And prison rape is supposed to be funny, I guess? Especially with the oh-so-subtle veiled homophobia in the jokes. At least the “tight-end-to-wide-receiver” joke has never been made before. Ever. And you’re the only person to think of it in this situation. Bully for you, comedic equivalent of cold sores!
2. Hernandez in jail has a negative impact on your fantasy football team. Again, you really came out ahead of the pack on that one, person who lights farts on fire! Hey, at least you got Facebook likes and Twitter retweets because they fill the gaping hole where self-worth is supposed to be.
3. “Hernandezing.” See cuz whatcha do is take a person’s name and put “-ing” on it, which has never been done before, and take pictures of yourself in the same physical position as a famous photo of the eponymous subject and LOLZ IS SO FUNNYS. You probably subscribe to Maxim. This is the best you can contribute comically to the world. How sad is that?
You people are the worst, you’re thoroughly uncreative, and I hate you. Genuine, wish-bad-things-happen-to-you hate.
Weekend. Burn to shine.
On to your correspondence.
Not if you’re a grownup, but almost none of the many idiots you saw screwing up traffic and occupying the time of police, fire, and medical personnel that could have been used elsewhere are grownups. They’re people that get their rocks off by inconveniencing others for no noble reason. What they aren’t are people that accomplish something of any worth. They’re court-rushers on a grander scale.
They break windows and throw bottles in the street and really stick it to The Man when they think The Man (who likely hasn’t oppressed them, as these twenty-somethings are mostly suburban-raised fortunates thinking they’re cool by slumming it in the city for street cred) isn’t looking. Ultimately, they’re cowards. They’re people who are only brave when part of a mob.
We know the type (commence teacher in me coming out). They’re really tough when they think authority can’t see them. They trash public bathrooms, vandalize property, yell things from moving cars or through the cover of numbers—all the things that mark genuine self-confidence. I’m positive that 90% of the people celebrating near Wrigley Field have talked smack to a celebrity on social media. The ones that got arrested and hopefully prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law didn’t abandon this profile; rather, alcohol just prevented what normally would have been cowering to Chicago cops.
Many of these turds will be at the Blackhawks’ celebratory parade and rally today, only this time they’ll be drunk and vulgar and faux-tough in front of more children and with hopefully more heat stroke. At least they get to temporarily not hate their own pathetic existence.
@TimBaffoe do you know anybody who's ever watched Rizzoli & Isles?— dischargingfoul (@dischargingfoul) June 20, 2013
Probably Franklin and Bash.
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@TimBaffoe Can you explain the geography involved in the DH rule?— Brian Pickett (@BrianPickett) June 20, 2013
You kid, but this question is in reference to Bud Selig speaking in his special brand of Esperanto last week regarding what it would take to have designated hitter uniformity in both leagues. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Seriously. That man is in charge of one of the most powerful organizations in America, and when it came to a very polarizing issue among fans of the game—
Quick break for a sec. Here’s a very random hostile email I received the other day:
Actually, it makes perfect sense to have 2 rules because there are two leagues. People like you who claim not to like the DH but really don’t care are actually the foremost proponents of the change. So [fudge-like expletive] you very much.—William O. Douglas
Okay, back to the other idiot.
–instead of giving a cogent response, Ol’ Bud decided he wanted to be the next Miss Utah.
“In order for the DH to exist in both leagues, we must return to Pangaea. And the New York Mets will consist entirely of heathen Mongols!”
We’ve seen before that citing geography really isn’t Bud’s strong suit, but, hey, screw it. He’s only a crazy old man who just so happens to oversee the top league of a game held dear by hundreds of millions of people worldwide, so let’s let him be all cute and demented and stuff. It’s like your holiday dinners but with pretending the league didn’t quietly condone steroids instead of pretending your aunt isn’t a lesbian.
Notice how David Stern had his grand exit Thursday night, leaving while still compos mentis and the magnificent prick we’ve always known him to be. It would be nice if Selig would take his dad from The Critic act into the sunset, too. But the guy hardly ever gets pushed toward the door by the public.
I ain’t scurred. First of all, that crap is taking place in Britain. O dus the lil blimey bahstid wan is pizza poy flewn to is ouse? Kiss me twig and berries.
It’s also chain pizza garbage. Publicity stunts like that are necessary when your pizza is designed to fill the void where self-respect is supposed to be. Oh, you eat Domino’s? And you call your cats your “children?”
Look, there’s a degree of intimacy in the customer and delivery guy relationship, albeit a brief one. Children treat me like Santa Claus, housewives undress me with their eyes, dogs contemplate the vulnerability of my jugular. All that is lost with a drone. Can a drone have complete and utter contempt for the incredibly dumb people that instinctively must order delivery and have no concept of the delivery process? Hell no.
And here’s your über-hyphenated Angry Penn State Fan of the Week:
From: Lance T
Tim – your way off base – every one has a right to defend themselves – you mock and deride the Penn State fans because they want to defend their university – you base your judgements on The Freeh report and don’t look at the whole picture – It’s so easy to judge when your not involved – think what you would say or do if it was your father or university in this situation – get off your high horse – simply your wrong in your view – what happen at Penn State was a indeed a huge wrong – that doesn’t give Epstein the right to try and make a name for himself by going after PSU with his article – nothing improper was down – it wouldn’t have been a story if it was another university – its only a story because its Penn State – he’s past few stories must not have garnered him enough attention – think about those things before you present your views – a true journalist looks at both sides and writes an objective piece – you failed here – I’m not really surprised – its seems that you and Epstein are in bed together – good luck in the futureMORE NEWS: Chicago Weather: Rain Likely Sunday, Breezy Late
Thanks for emailing, tweeting, and reading. If your question did not get answered this time, that does not necessarily mean I am ignoring it. It may be saved for the next mailbag. Hopefully you’re a slightly better person now than you were ten minutes ago. If not, your loss. Want your questions answered in a future Mailbag? Email them to firstname.lastname@example.org or tweet them to @TimBaffoe with the hashtag #TFMB. No question, sports or otherwise, is off limits (with certain logistical exceptions, e.g. lots of naughty words or you type in Portuguese or you solicit my death). If you email, please include a signature.