Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical email from Bears quarterback Jay Cutler to former linebacker Brian Urlacher, written by Tim Baffoe.
Wud up, bro. How’s retirement? Dude so weird. Like you’re really retired! All old and stuff. Sucks to be you lol.
Anyway hey I heard you’re pissed and stuff that I didn’t call or text you when you retired. I had no idea I was supposed to do that. Really. I mean I never had your phone number or anything because we didn’t ever talk to each other. I guess I just always had a feeling that you never really liked me which is nothing new for me and like whatever. But if I did have your digits I woulda totally texted something. Probably. If I knew that’s what grown men do when they don’t work together anymore. Totally.
But like if you really think about it, you kinda left us. The Bears did offer you a contract and nobody else in the league did and you turned it down. I totally get the whole insult to you as a career Bear and Hall of Famer who thought he was worth more than a contingent two million bucks despite kinda becoming a liability on defense recently. I totally get that for real. But hey football’s a b—– right?
Hey like I said Thursday though, I thought I should reach out to you. Taking a break from Words With Friends to shoot you an email—hey, play me! It gets boring as hell owning Aromashodu’s unemployed ass every day. He gets so pissed that I know all the legal swear words on there.
So congrats on a great career and being the face of the franchise that I certainly don’t want to be because what does that even mean anyway ya know and stuff. You saved me from having to do a few extra promotional spots and answering probably a thousand more questions after games, so thanks bro.
Thanks too for hanging them up before things with you just got sad. I mean everybody but you pretty much saw that the downhill was well on its way with 54. If you were back on the field much longer not only woulda it maybe cost us games but also just have been a bad look. So thanks. Oh by the way do you care if I go as you in a neckbrace and wheelchair for Halloween this year? Or what about you as a talk show host? Ha.
It’s cool that we’ve been able to actually improve without you. You know, bringing in an offensive-minded head coach who doesn’t pander to fans who drool for “getting off the bus running”—OMG THE WORST RIGHT—and Bear weather. Understanding that defense is very important but that this is an offensive league, and even more so a passing one (WORD). We all appreciate your sacrifice in order to make that happen and being one less obstacle to the Bears getting rid of the Bears stereotype of Butkus-era glory football that didn’t win championships. I’d fistpound you if fistpounding dudes wasn’t so lame.
We welcome the extra challenge you’ve made for us here too. You know, creating a few media storms about non football stuff. Making your former teammates have to deal with the stress of answering BS about me not calling you and the Bears not having sweet breakup sex with you and your vaunted defense taking dives. It’s a bold move to do all that and risk people calling you a hypocrite since you were always the guy as a player who preached the sanctity of the locker room and stuff staying in-house. That’s a true captain—even pushing us to be our best when you’re not here anymore. I promise we’ll do our best to make you proud and overcome these distractions you’ve created for us.
And for you to burn these bridges and bring heat on guys you used to play with when you could still get residual money from the Bears. That’s super noble man. Your delicate feelings are more important than future cash. Power move bro. But it’s not like retired players ever have issues with money.
So I hope we’re cool and stuff. Especially cuz if I re-sign after the season and the Bears still want you to show up now and then to do the old guy thing of waving a flag on the field before a game or speak to us Halas Hall or go sign stuff for a group of kids, then it’ll be totes awkward otherwise for us to be around each other you know?
Because I really wouldn’t want beef between us. I really care about being liked and stuff.