Horrible Horoscopes: CancerThe stars know where you can find love, Cancer. Somewhere large and indoors. A place of perpetual sales and bright fluorescent lights. They employ your grandfather--a man who put in 40 years at the plant and deserves a break, dammit--as a door greeter making minimum wage. The amount of misery their employees go through is only rivaled by the amount of money you can save by shopping there.
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusBut like many strong strengths, it can be a double-edged sword. A double-edged sword that--instead of cutting your enemies down while you’re surrounded by lotus petals--somehow cuts you, Taurus. Maybe on your pinky, or ring finger. Maybe it won’t cut a finger at all, maybe it’ll cut something else entirely. Regardless, your sword, which is meant to help you, will actually hurt you. Okay, fine, I never really “got” this metaphor. Swords are awesome, that’s all I know.
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & PiscesLook, guys, you’re a great couple. Aries and Pisces! You just go together really well. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like salami and mayonnaise. Like fried chicken nuggets on top of cheap mall pizza.
Horrible Horoscopes: AriesI’m going to be honest, and I never thought I’d say this, but the Moon is really worried about your sperm count, Aries. Why does the Moon worry about your sperm count? I don’t know, bro. I just look at the alignment and communicate what it tells me, and right now the alignment of the Moon (and Harvard researchers) has some very foreboding things to say about your sperm.
Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesIs good fortune coming your way? Is the love of your life right in front of your eyes? How do your job prospects look? Is that rash on your unmentionables ever going to clear up?
Horrible Horoscopes: ScorpioI have two hands, Scorpio. That limits me to one style of clapping. Sometimes I think about how cool it would be to have, say, two extra hands. And, you know, not somewhere useless. Like maybe I’d have two extra arms underneath my actual arms and then at the end of those arms would be my two extra hands. And with those extra hands, I’d do a frenzied excited clap while my regular hands above do a slow clap. I can barely keep a beat, but I think I could pull this off. Provided I had the extra hands, that is.
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraIf you don’t learn how to pick up after your dog soon, Libra, the stars will BRING THE HAMMER DOWN. Yes, that’s right, the stars will punish you if you let your dog poop on the sidewalk one more time. The destruction will be swift and painful, worse than any onslaught you’ve ever heard described in a metal song. Seriously. You will cease to exist.
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusIt’s tough when your fellow football players pick on you in the locker room, asking, “Why don’t we ever see ya with any girls, Aquarius? Huh? Are you afraid of them? Hey guys, look! Aquarius is afraid of girls! Aquarius is afraid of commitment! Look at Aquarius, refusing to settle down and move forward with his life! Let’s whip him with towels, then go watch Varsity Blues and Rudy before crying in the hot tub together!”
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoAvoid the guillotine that is strife and hold your head high, Virgo. Sure, face your problems head-on if ya feel you need to, but there’s no need to get ahead of yourself. If the calamities in your life won’t budge, always keep a cool head...
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoLeo, I get it, you’re evil. The stars don’t want to change you – keep on being you! If you want to mistreat everyone around you, why should the stars say otherwise?
Horrible Horoscopes: CancerThe stars and the Moon understand the draw of the McRib! The savory BBQ sauce, the plastic-like meat, the clenching stomach pains that come after eating it, the hour you spend on the toilet the next day – WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?