Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesPisces, we know you want to show off your wicked tats, but they won’t make you any more rock ‘n’ roll than you already are (and, sorry--despite my dad’s claims that you’re "some solid hard rock”—you aren’t very rock ‘n’ roll). My mom, for example, has a couple tattoos. Have they made her more rock 'n' roll?
Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesYou get married, there goes the happy days. No more sunshine, Pisces. After that it’s all angry comments under your breath as you wait in line at Wendy’s and getting into fights over the TV remote.
Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesI know, I know… You feel confident your grandmother’s remedies will keep you healthy and--if you do get sick--bring you back to full health. Sometimes though, frogs legs, witch’s tongue, brown M&Ms mixed with yellow Skittles, happy thoughts, chicken soup, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Mitt Romney’s concession speech on repeat, Tumblr, puppies, medicine from a doctor who works out of the Wendy’s drive-thru window (honestly, he’s suspect, but his burgers are great), Game of Thrones, killing the Highlander, fruits and veggies (especially), and love just can’t heal you. Especially if you have the fly.
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Leo & PiscesPisces, we all know you’d lie (and lay) your mother right into a shallow grave--telling her everything’s going to be alright as you shovel dirt onto her face--if it meant getting ahead in the world. And Leo, you’re no lion – your roar lacks its bite. You might have a great smile and a tender heart, but you couldn’t scare a Middle Eastern bully if your lunch money depended on it...
Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesPisces, prepare for your world to be turned upside down. Sometimes, the foundations of everything we believe in aren’t just challenged, but broken.
Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesAnd everything’s bigger in Texas! We’re not talking normal-sized paddles. We’re talking about 2x4s mislabeled as paddles. We’re talking like you-won’t-be-able-to-sit-for-a-week paddles.
Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday's Bad HoroscopesMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, "What's your sign?" at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius... ladies.