NO NOT MY GLASSES! (Credit: Judas Preist / Youtube)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.


Capricorn, no laws can hold you. And why should they? You’re [expletive]!

Jaywalking? That’s kids play for you. You’d break any law if you felt like it. You’d park in a no parking zone, go over the speed limit, litter… IN A PARK. Why! You’d probably even skip jury duty.

You make my skin crawl…

Don’t change, Capricorn. Not ever.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology! He does know how to play Breakin’ the Law on his guitar though, so if you’re interested in starting a cover band, let him know.