By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

If you get the flu, ask these guys for help. (Credit: Mark Davis/Getty Images)


Pisces, prepare yourself mentally and physically for the winter ahead!

Also, don’t get sick, cause bein’ sick sucks.

I know, I know… You feel confident your grandmother’s remedies will keep you healthy and–if you do get sick–bring you back to full health. Sometimes though, frogs legs, witch’s tongue, brown M&Ms mixed with yellow Skittles, happy thoughts, chicken soup, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Mitt Romney’s concession speech on repeat, Tumblr, puppies, medicine from a doctor who works out of the Wendy’s drive-thru window (honestly, he’s suspect, but his burgers are great and convenient!), Game of Thrones, killing the Highlander, fruits and veggies (especially), and love just can’t heal you. Especially if you have the fly.

Meth might help though.

So stay healthy this winter, Pisces!

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology! He does know how to play Breakin’ the Law on his guitar though, so if you’re interested in starting a cover band, let him know.