Bernstein: Tim Tebow’s God Is Mean

By Dan Bernstein- Senior Columnist

(CBS) Never again do I want to have another leaflet-passer on the corner look me in the eye, grin vacantly and say “Jesus loves you.”

No. No, he doesn’t. Jesus hates me. I have proof.

He hates me, hates Marion Barber, hates the Bears’ defense, hates the way Cover-2 leaves the middle of the field open, hates Caleb Hanie, hates coaches who don’t remind runners to stay in bounds and protect the ball, and then hates Marion Barber some more. He hates the Vikings and the Raiders, the Chiefs, Chargers, Dolphins and Jets.

We all probably deserve it, I guess.

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But no wholly-good, divine being could possibly make Bears fans feel as awful as they do today.

We knew the Old Testament god was kind of a jerk – that’s well established. He baited Adam and Eve just to kick them out of the house because they were getting annoying, then he flooded the whole damn place because he didn’t like what was going on, keeping just an old guy on a foul-smelling boat. Real nice.

What about, “Hey, Abraham, kill your own son. Seriously, do it because I said so. Wait…just kidding! ” That’s not even clever.

So him, I get.

And I’d understand a supernatural force that chooses to reveal itself by creating something beyond human, able to inspire by its sheer ability to outperform mere mortals. Something so vastly gifted and skilled that any witness would immediately lose all doubt as to whether there is a universal master.

It’s surprisingly snarky, though, to want to send that message through a half-season of head-scratching coaching decisions, stupid penalties, lucky bounces, Marion Barber, horrible execution by defenses, and Marion Barber.

Not to tell Jesus how to do his job, but all he’s doing is making football fans really angry. Not the best marketing plan. And when I say “football fans,” I mean pretty much every human being, anywhere. So stop rewarding quarterback play that sets the game back decades, and then any other message might be a little more credible.

Many evangelicals describe their relationship with him as personal and direct, describing how he talks to them, or that they have some kind of ongoing conversation with him. I don’t have that kind of in, but I wouldn’t mind getting in touch with his secretary and arranging a meeting. Lunch would be fine. Or Starbucks. The one by him, the nice one, with wi-fi and parking.

“Jesus,” I’ll say (or Mr. Christ? Mr. Jesus?), “Seriously, it’s enough. You know he’s bad, right? And it’s bothering people who like other teams, and who actually prefer that winning results from playing watchable football, and from playing well.”

Then I’ll take out the letter John Elway asked me to deliver and hand it to him.

I’m sure he’ll be polite and professional, before glancing at his iPhone, finishing his espresso and leaving me still thinking about how it was possible that the Bears just lost to Tim Tebow and the Broncos.

The Bears’ season is pretty much over, hope sucked away by one of the worst losses in team history, followed by one of the most agonizing.

For a guy supposedly possessing the most profound, boundless compassion, he sure seems to have figured out how to inflict pain.

bernstein 90x130 Bernstein: Tim Tebows God Is Mean
Dan Bernstein joined the station as a reporter/anchor in 1995, and has been the co-host of “Boers and Bernstein” since 1999. Read more of Bernstein’s columns, or follow him on Twitter: @dan_bernstein.

The Boers and Bernstein Show airs every weekday from 1PM to 6PM on The Score, 670AM (or you can listen online).
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More from Dan Bernstein
  • Larry Horse's Arse

    Don’t blame this on God…the Bears effed it up all by themselves, without any divine intervention.

    • Cracker Packer Backer

      OMG. LOL. National news for the nation to talk about 24/7 for the entire week, courtesy of da Bears.

      Now that was in-your-face humiliation!

      This game was so huge that the Green Bay Packers reporters turned off the Packers game and watched The Great Tebow. Ooooooh. Ouch.

      Never knew God was a fan. He threw it out there and SNAPPED it right back in. LOL.

      • Denver Deadite

        If the inexplicable happens and the Broncos beat the Packers in the Super Bowl, I expect we’ll find your body out in a field somewhere shortly after the game with a self-inflicted gunshot wound, yes?

    • hi lary

      All that beer…..wasted.

    • Rollie Fingers Mustache

      Dead on Larry. Prevent defense? Tebowz range is barely 10-20 yards in the air (lighter in Denver though) and the safetyz are 25-30 deep. Think maybe thatz why he looks good in 4th quarter? Tebow is great theater. A seemingly sincere nice guy ( a la coach Fox ) that inspires, by what he does and says on and off the field, either extreme dislike (borderline hatred) or a following ranging from curious observers to believing fans. Strangely similar to a Jewish fellow about 2,000 years ago.

    • cleo

      Who removed a huge number of comments from this message board?

  • Chad Arseneau

    Its not Jesus – its Tebow’s faith and how he relates to his teamates. You too could have that kind of impact on people around you if you put Jesus first in your life.

    • Denver Deadite

      And to anybody who doesn’t think the whole Tebow Thing isn’t about religion, you only need the response above to tell you otherwise.

      But then, Chad, your response is a crock of @$%^t. What if there are actually MORE guys in the Bears locker room who believe just as much as Little TImmy does… only they don’t make a big freakin deal out of it?

      In that case, God is punishing the Bears… why, exactly?

      So, for me, it’s simple: keep your faith out of sports where it has no business belonging.

      • Chad Arseneau

        If you have faith – you can’t keep it out of anything. It is who you are. Yes, you can make the point he at times is “too much” – but look at guys who know him personally and how they respond to him and his leadership. God’s didn’t win or make the Bears loose the game – I simply am pointing how what makes Tebow “different” and what makes him an effective leader. As for the game – the Bears had more to do with loosing the game than Tebow or the Broncos had to winning it. My response was more a response to Dan’s article – that it’s not God helping Tebow but its the power of having great faith and how that helps you be effective in your life regardless of your job (football player, teacher, lawyer, whatever it is). Sooner or later, he’ll loose his share of games too I believe.

      • Denver Deadite

        Rogers and the Packers are 13-0… AFTER winning the Super Bowl last year.

        Yet, instead we’re talking about a QB who can barely hit the broad side of a barn.

        Your God is a needy god, that’s for certain.

      • Dave Moore

        As an American Tim Tebow has the right to express his love for Jesus is any way he choses, as do you.

    • Brush Back

      Tim Tebow has no right to be in the NFL. A higher calling put him there so we can reflect on religion and sports; like when a baseball player makes the Sign of the Cross when he steps up to the plate. And Big Z points to the sky and thanks God for the money.

  • Scott

    I REALLY don’t think you want that coffee with Jesus Dan. As an “EVANGELICAL” Pastor, I take offense at your comments and I really do like listening to the SCORE, but you’ve gone too far this time. Contrary to popular belief, I believe that God could care less about a football game so why don’t you leave it alone! As a Bears fan, the bottom line is that they are terrible and please don’t make the playoffs, it would be embarrassing! The bottom line is that Tebow happens to love Jesus when there is nothing wrong with that and if you KNEW your Bible, you would see that he is doing exactly what we are called to do, tell people about HIM!!! Anyway, I’m not a freak and love the station, but stop showing your Biblical ignorance in your comments!

    • Larry

      Scott, I think Bernstein is trying to be sarcastic enven though i don’t like this sarcastic article.

      • redempshun

        c’mon larry. bernstein expects everybody to luv what he sez. an agree what he sez. raise yer hands y’all to the sky

    • Chris in Scottsdale

      If God could care less about a football game, then why does Tebow continually thank God for the results? Is it because he’s an assclown? Probably.

      • Meatless Meatball

        Ding ding ding, we have a winner!

    • Spoon

      Dan is an EVANGELICAL Idiot Pointer, if you knew anything about him you’d see that he is doing exactly what he’s called to do. Stop showing your social ignorance with your comments.

    • Joe

      Pretty sure God wouldn’t want a pastor calling someone ignorant either Scott, but what do I know.

    • EK

      FYI Scott, Bernstein is a non-practicing Jew. Not sure why you think he should “KNOW” his bible?

    • realrick

      I’m sure there are plenty of pastors who would find this column to be hilarious. As it was meant to be. I know mine would. In the immortal words of Heath Ledger’s Joker, “Why so SERIOUS?”

  • Pappa G

    Hey Larry, you’re a horst’s ass.

  • Jim

    What a dumb column.

  • steve

    As a Christian I am done listening to your program. I’ve put up with your blaspheme longer than I should have, and this article really tells us more about your hatred for God more than it tells us about the game that was played.

    You’ve made your point that you have no use for God, and I can only hope that someday you change your mind.

    • Rob

      take it down a notch Stevie….the piece is tongue and cheek…harping on the media attention that Tebow receives because of his faith (reminding us every single time he speaks doesn’t help the fact)…I know that’s hard to glean from the piece when you as a person actually decide who is going to give you your sports updates and opinions by their views of God…

    • Shannon Trimble

      Um, Steve-one doesn’t “use” god-he uses you, friend.

    • Chris in Scottsdale

      Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah… “I’m going to read an article Bernstein writes because.. I… can’t… help… myself…”

      Go to church and go away, loser.

      • Brendon

        Hey buddy, Stevie can’t handle it.

    • EK

      FYI Steve, Bernstein doesn’t hate God – he just doesn’t believe in him. And this article ain’t exactly serious. You’re doing way more harm to Christians everywhere by acting all offended by this sarcastic column and talking about taking your ball and going home instead of just brushing it off. Seriously, it’s an article about football – not God.

  • Lee

    You are a moron.

  • Manny

    Seriously, did this column need to be written? Bernstein, we all know you hate Tebow. Stop reminding us. It’s actually more annoying than Tebow’s constant praises to God. Just STFU and write about the real problem: The Bears.

    • Meatless Meatball

      Fair point. And it’d be easier if the Fox announcers hadn’t just called that game as if they were Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross. Driving a nonexistent narrative seems to be their reason for existence. It’s embarrassing when they can’t see that part of the problem is the Bears offense’s complete inability to do much of anything. I’d take Curtis Painter at this point.

      • EK

        YES – meatless meatball. I’m not sure why this narrative is being driven by everyone out there. Tim Tebow is a mediocre quarterback, about as good as Caleb Hanie but a better athlete and a much better leader. His contribution to yesterday’s effort was about as good as Hanie’s, except Tebow both fumbled and threw an interception while Hanie’s mistakes were minimal. Yet somehow Tebow gets all of the praise coming out of the game from everyone else (notice that he, as a really good leader does, brushed off the praise and thanked his teammates for their efforts and praised them).

    • realrick

      If you would re-read the column, you would see that’s exactly what he did: Calling out the Bears for their bad play against a bad QB.

      But, haters have gotta hate, I suppose….


    Krom laughs at you.
    He laughs at you from his mountain.

    I turned the game back on just in time for the last play in overtime. I turned it off after an odd call in the first half.
    Aaron Rogers. That is the T-1000 of quarterbacking. While Ben R-101 rolls around with one thumb and one leg, A-R 1000 can be anything he needs to be. The Packers don’t even have a real defense. It’s sickening.

    • sundevilpeg

      Aaron Rodgers: Demi-god, or True Deity? I’ll hang up and wait for my answer.

      • SPAULDING!

        On his mother’s side. Her grandfather was Poseidon. And, beside himself.

        Shea and Burris made some pretty bad decisions with the ball yesterday.
        Here’s to never seeing an isolated bubble screen pass in the NFL ever again.
        Uhh. . .

  • Luke

    Dan, I must say I have always found your sports insight amusing. Your view points on sports issues I often tend to agree with. This column however, is shockingly blasphemous. I know you’re an arrogant man, but this is too much. The position you were given as a Chicago sports talk show host, is incredibly desired. It is certainly not a platform to unleash your pagan viewpoints. You don’t want to believe in Jesus Christ, that is your decision and though it is sad it is not offensive. This column completely oversteps your boundaries as a sports talk host. You have lost a faithful listener. I will be praying for you, like it or not.

    • Marky Mark

      Oh, so it’s ok for Tebow to launch into Jesus mode when he’s interviewed after a game, but it’s not ok for Bernstein to talk about his religious views using his platform? I get it now…

      • Marky Mark

        Clearly I don’t get it. Clearly this is Dan ranting on religion, and not a satirical article written to get viewers. Clearly Dan isn’t trying to make his point by poking some fun at Tebow’s over the top religiousness. He’s obviously not allowed to comment on it because he doesn’t like religion to be mixed with his football.

      • you don't know jack

        No, Bernstein always says he wants religion out of football. Yet he is the one who just wrote an entire article about only religion, and basically his lack of knowledge on it, but that’s another story.

        You got it? I don’t think so.

      • don't hate

        is it so awful that a football player actually stands for something? He talks about God because that’s the reason he has talent. So it’s legitimate. Don’t hate cause you lack faith.

      • Marky Mark

        He isn’t the first football player that’s ever stood for something. For what it’s worth, I never said I hated Tebow, nor has Dan. If you were listening to the program on Friday, Dan expressed his views on Tebow very clearly. But why listen to logic and reason when it’s so much easier to point the finger and say “hater!” to anyone who has an even somewhat negative thought on the guy.

      • Big Papi

        Wait until the Sponsors get a load of what Bernstein has been spewing about all of this, especially since this thing is so National now. Sponsors are key here, not fans and web site viewers. Dan’s pushing the envelope, its part of the “irreverent” shtick him and Bozo Boers do. Sponsors dont like it when their Brand is associated with it. Dan will find his boundary soon. Keep pushing it Dan, you’re getting closer by the day. Its funny to the non Believers, but not the Sponsors, unless they’re local bars, otb’s or strip joints. Who needs two tavern tour maybe. Ask Glen Beck about Sponsors and the “message”. Doesnt matter the ratings, the person, the forum. When the line finally gets crossed, the Sponsors speak and then the Danny’s find the line. Keep going Dan, you’re within an outburst of that line. Good article otherwise. It was meant as humor, to me at least. But in the end, its sponsorship that funds the rapping at the back door show. YOu dont have to please them, just not displease them by envelope pushing on certain topics. Dan knows those topics, he just is pushing the boundary. Sponsors will let Station Mgt and Ownership know whens he crossed it. Move on to the Hawks or Bulls, this topic isnt worth it anymore, Bears lost. Its over.

      • Spoon

        Every person that posts to and reads this page is giving sponsors exposure, you should probably learn how internet ‘sponsors’ work before you’re dead wrong again.

    • Shannon Trimble

      So you DON’T object to the crass use of Jesus as some sort of good luck charm, but Dan’s satirical effort to point it out? Classic.

      • Chris in Scottsdale

        Dan’s offerings require thought. Religion doesn’t. What you you expect? Nothing but a buncn of offended Christians for whom saitire is above their recognition.

      • Bernstein's Bachmann vote

        What Chris in Scottsdale is trying to show by this last post is that people that believe in God just aren’t as smart as he is, and that when he writes, he is almost completely illiterate.

      • Spoon

        So,… he’s proving that he can’t read, by what he’s writing? You know you’re just providing evidence for his point, right?

      • Bernstein's Bachmann vote

        No spoon,…. let me make this clear for you. The definition of illiterate is, a person who can’t read or WRITE. You know you’re just putting yourself in a category of people who make blanket statements about groups of people and prove that they’re an idiot right?

  • James

    Before getting bent out shape fellow Christians, this column is tongue and cheek. Get over yourselves.

    Dan, this venting column did nothing to make me think other than “where the heck is this rambling, meandering column going?” A better column might have read that today was further proof that the heart of this team isn’t the defense anymore. This team’s heart is Cutler. Without Cutler, this whole team is heartless.

    Dan, you usually do invoke thought with your postings. This is just a continuation of a bad day.

    • Denver Deadite

      Just goes to show that Christians can’t take a joke.

      And if that’s blasphemous, give me more, please, because the responses here are hilarious.

      • Janel Eberly-Newlin

        The responses are hilarious!! Wow…

    • Chad Arseneau

      Well said James

    • Shannon Trimble

      AND tongue-IN-cheek as well.

      • James O

        Yes, that as well. (dammit my poor use of Engrish).

  • you don't know jack

    And You are the one that says you want to keep religion out of football. Judging by this story. You are the one who can’t stop talking about it, not Tebow. Tebow and other Christians also don’t blame God for bad things that happen, and they know that He doesn’t care about the score of the game.

    • Alex

      if they know that god doesn’t care about the score of a football game, why do they constantly thank him for helping them win?

  • John

    Seriously, everyone on here getting high and mighty remember that if God created the world and everything on it he created sarcasm and humor too. You shouldn’t only get offended when sarcasm and humor are directed or used in correlation with an intentionally inaccurate and humorous depiction of God. If you are all *faithful (notice the irony of the word you’re using there) listeners to the show you should have a pretty cut and dried idea of little Danny Bernsteins sense of humor. Grow Up.

    • Denver Deadite

      Remember when Isaac Hayes loved being the voice of Chef on South Park?

      That is, up until the point where they made fun of his ‘religion’, the Church of Scientology.

      I said earlier that Christians can’t take a joke. I was wrong: most can’t take a joke about their religion, regardless.

  • TK

    Thanks for making me laugh again Dan… Some people take life Way to serious! Great article !!!!

  • Killercub17

    Does anyone get sarcasm anymore?

    • Im so gay for jesus

      There’s something wrong in this country when Sports columnists are openly against jesus and our children can’t openly celebrate christmas

      • EK

        And gays can serve openly in the military without being killed by other soldiers.

  • Yikes

    This column is….not good. Dan’s infatuation of Tebow is closely resembling Tebow’s with Jesus. Discussing how and why the Bears lost would’ve been much more productive. It’s fine to critique Tebow’s play but the personal and character attacks are getting really old.

    • MattintheCrown

      You’re surprised that a Chicago sports-talk host wrote a column about the QB of the team that beat them? Really?

  • Alex

    I personally thought this was a great column. It pretty much tackled everything wrong with today’s game, plus the worship of Tim Tebow (remember 6 weeks ago when no one ever thought he would play in the NFL because he was terrible?). It was funny, entertaining and relevant to the situation. I’m sorry these “Christians” can’t understand simple satire.

  • Satan

    This is the worst loss I’ve ever endured in my 27 years as a Bears fan. I wish I could completely renounce my football/Bears fandom like the kid in Seinfeld who renounces Judaism after a disappointing Bar Mitzvah.

    Even if the Bears would’ve ended up missing the playoffs, the conquering of Tebow woulda been something I could at least smile about in regards to the 2011 season, but this game will no doubt end up being the punchbowl that perhaps endures through the entire offseason.

    WHY, oh WHY did they have to lose like this? And to him?

    • Satan

      *turd in the punchbowl I meant to say…

  • JOD

    Good Job, Denver. It’s time to remind Chicago that they are not a championship city.

    • BT

      Yeeeeahhh….. I think that’s the lesson everyone is clearly taking from this. Thanks for you insight.

    • Chris in Scottsdale

      Because Denver is such a championship city…

      • Denver Deadite

        And because the SIX Bulls Championships, not to mention Blackhawks raising the Stanley Cup, was SOOOOO long ago.

  • mnjoe

    The reaction to this is amazing. This article is satire. Everyone needs to get over themselves.

    • ChestyPuller

      glad somebody gets it

  • Marky Mark

    Tebow on Barber running OB: “I might have thanked the Lord when he did that. He obviously shouldn’t do that.” – per Brad Biggs’ twitter

    And people get mad at Bernstein…

  • Killercub17

    This is all just too, too funny.

  • steve

    There are certain topics that are above satire, and God is one of them.

    • ChestyPuller

      By that same logic, shouldn’t certain topics be a place where you don’t invoke God? Like a football game?

      • steve

        Since God is supposed to be a part of every area of a Christians life, football is a perfectly natural area for God to be included. There is no separation between secular and sacred for the Christian.

      • Chris in Scottsdale

        That’s about stupid and hypocritical. You can praise god, but I can’t roll my eyes at you? That’s about as Muslim-esque as you can get.

    • mnjoe

      That’s the same thing militant muslims say when issuing death threats to cartoonists who depict mohammed.

    • Roger

      My God appreciates a good satire, especially one of Him. Please see the books “The Lamb” and “Ladies and Gentleman, The Bible”.

    • Shannon Trimble

      Above satire? Didn’t god give us intellect & a sense of humor? Put god above satire & you get radicalism, friend.

  • Killercub17

    Satan, I think you’ve left your cutler, cutler, cutler jersey at my place.

  • Devil's Goatee

    Thank you, Joe. All you people truly need to stop. Go after Tebow, not Bernstein!

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