By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Well, during the suckfest that was Monday’s National Championship—and let us never speak of it again—much ado was made about a comely young lass that ESPN repeatedly showed because it was losing viewers with the rapidity of brain cells during a sitcom. Viewership response was typical. “ERMAHGERD PRETTY LADY SO PRETTY MUST SAY STUPID THINGZ BOUT PRETTY LADY I WANT TO TOUCH PLEASE CAN I?!!!?!11???1!!1?”
It didn’t help that Brent Musburger stoked the flames by being randy ol’ Brent Musburger. Not that there was anything terribly wrong with what the horny old guy said. BREAKING: lady who works as a model is incredibly easy on the eyes. Now apologize for acknowledging that while the camera refuses to stop slobbering on her. Okay, we all saw a very attractive woman on the television thing, and people were acting like that’s never happened before. Run, tell the neighbors. There’s some purty on that thar screen!
Very, very attractive. Way out of all of our leagues hot. So beautiful that I would sever your head with a spork and bathe in the glorious crimson tide that spewed forth from the fresh cavity atop your torso if it were to win her affections for me. But that doesn’t mean I have to run to the interwebs and type that.
It also doesn’t mean someone has to put in words the erotic experiences they will never have with the young lady, but what else is social media for besides dumbasses overcompensating for their fragile egos by typing lewd things about women that make them feel inferior, right?
So, hey, because it’s fun to make fun of stupid people, I rendered a bit of the delicious idiot fat from Twitter for you and will now proceed to make these people feel bad about themselves if that is even possible.
First up, the famous stupid. Darnell Dockett wants to take Katherine Webb out for mechanically-separated chicken and mechanically-enhanced chicks because he’s Darnell Dockett, and this is what Darnell Dockett does. Oh, but he meant to private message her that Internet foodsex invitation. Hilarious. But A.J. McCarron was having none of that and (didn’t) put Dockett in his place. Chivalry is not dead, homie.
Yeah, ESPN. We demand more hot chicks on our cable sports broadcasts. Why aren’t you doing that? I don’t want any more sports, and it’s not like beautiful women are readily available on this Internet I’m using to send my thoughts out into the ether.
Unfortunately, some of us did. Some of us also spelled the National Champion quarterback’s name correctly.
Right, broseph?! Pro tip: if you follow Men’s Humor on Twitter, you have forfeited your right to vote in any election, including the People’s Choice Awards, because as a civilized democracy we cannot have walking gelatinous golems like yourself contributing to decision-making. That account is painfully unfunny and it steals jokes from actual funny people. If it was possible to light a Twitter account on fire, I would do so to Darren Rovell’s and then beat the Men’s Humor account to death with it.
Whoa! Southerners breaking bad on other Southerners? You’re supposed to unite to hate us Northern Aggressors. So you Louisianans—the Swamp People and Duck Dynasty banes of intelligent American existence—are better than a quarterback from another state and his girlfriend? Good for you. Cousin marryin’—bad. Mixin’ races—bad. Got it.
Hey, you made a Tim Tebow parody account. Groundbreaking. So, what is it that you do? Tweet things that Tim Tebow would never actually say. That’s it? And people with head injuries find that funny? It’s ironic because the things tweeted by this account are also things the sad little person running it would never do either because he’s too scared to even express thoughts as himself, let alone actually approach a woman that gives him—as he so wittily coins—a #Teboner.
The grammar. The spelling. The complete misunderstanding of Viagra. This tweet should have its own surviving black box.
Memo to Nick Saban: this dude is on his way. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day expect him to take the field for you. Have him run gassers every time he uses the term “smokeshow,” though, please.
Think about what you just typed, take a deep breath, and repeatedly slam your head in a car door.
Stupid math always ruining unrealistic and unattainable sex fantasies. Math, your so gay.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don’t follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago’s Beverly To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.