Best Of Chicago

Poem The News: Burritos In Bed With Dennis Rodman

March 1, 2013 2:00 PM

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Someone's gonna get choked... (Credit: Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)

Someone’s gonna get choked… (Credit: Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Fridays are boring. Here are some reader-submitted poems based on CBS news articles. You’re welcome. Find out how to submit your own poems here. Read more “Poem the News” poems here.

Real talk, kiddos! If you find yourself in an all-out brawl, outnumbered and outmuscled, and you must choose a weapon to defend yourself, do not, I REPEAT, do not choose a burrito as your weapon.

You will go to jail. Not for assault, well, technically, yes, for assault, but the real reason, the reason that won’t be on the official police report, should be plain to see: you do not waste a good burrito.

Not even in self-defense.

We clear? Good. Solid. Copacetic. What does that word even mean? “Copacetic.” It sounds like the name of a health drink people gulp down to help their constipation.

We’re getting off topic. There are poems below. They are good poems. I’ve left comments for the. They’re italicized. Enjoy these poems. Then submit your own. Oh, and a big thanks to Meghan Rock for another great image!

Meghan Rock made this! She rocks. Click to make it BIGGER. Now I want a burrito. (Credit: Meghan Rock)

Meghan Rock made this! She rocks. Obviously. Now I want a burrito. Check Meghan out at meghanrocktopus.com! (Credit: Meghan Rock)

Let There Be Poems

Burrito Cheese by Benjamin King
Police: Man Assaults Teen Boy With Taco Bell Burrito

There’s that old saying
about life
about lemons.
Turn them into lemonade.
It’s not that hard really.
Cut ‘em open.
Squeeze. Add some sugar, water.
It tastes alright actually.
To the point where I could go for some right now.
Come on life, give me some of them horrible lemons everyone’s always talking about.
I will squeeze those suckers directly down my gullet.
Quench my thirst.
That’s an okay life.

But no.
I don’t get no lemons.
Not from life.
Not from nobody.

I always seem to get the kind of stuff nobody ever made up a saying about.
The weird stuff.
Come on philosophy gurus
Come on old ladies
help a brother out.
What am I supposed to do when life just goes balls crazy
Like in my face
Like tonight.

What am I supposed to do when life hands me burrito cheese, sauce, and meat all over my face?

A+ — Listen, Benny, I’ll be honest, your poem is first because I happened to have a hankering for lemonade and burritos as I read it.

Poem by Ian Dick Jones
Cops: Woman Choked Man For Taking Covers In Bed

Hey Babe,
Since you moved away with that new dude
I can’t stop picturing you, how you used to be,
sorta like that Cure song from the late 80s.

I remember the way you always took the covers from me
like food I’d chewed in my mouth.

I can’t believe I’m writing a love poem in a parking lot on my phone inspired by domestic violence over a blanket.

I always let you have the covers anyway.

I hope he lets you have the covers in Siberia or wherever you are.

Sent from my iPhone

A+ — Honestly, I posted this in the top three because I thought it’d be funny to include “Sent from my iPhone” in the poem. I’m giggling. I’m in my cubicle and giggling. (I think that’s going to be the name of my next poetry chapbook guys. Expect it from LittleBig Buttzz press in 2019!)

Someone's gonna get choked... (Credit: Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)

Someone’s gonna get choked… (Credit: Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)

Poem by Sarah Jean Alexander
Cops: Woman Choked Man For Taking Covers In Bed

You think you can just climb into MY bed
and fall asleep on top of MY mattress
use up some of MY body heat
and then steal MY blanket
?????

Well guess what, Buddy,
I recognize those metaphors
I’ma smart woman

It’s not about the blanket
It was never about the blanket
It will never be about the gosh-danged blanket

I choked you

I would choke you again

Say I won’t

A+ — Truth butts: Years ago, I was sitting up in bed, and my ex was rolling over in her sleep, and she somehow elbowed me in the nose hard enough to give me a nosebleed. THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE PRE-MARITAL… sleep.

Runner Uppers

The poems below, I’m sad to say, did not make it into my top 3. But I liked them! So I’m posting them anyway. I hope you like them too.

The Rodman by Kim Jong Un but really by Dave Hughes
Dennis Rodman Brings His Basketball Skills To … Wait For It … North Korea

Once upon a midday speeching, as Koreans heard my preachings
Over burning Yankees’ screechings, and how Dad invented floors,
Suddenly there came a summon, sneaking through the marching drummin’ -
Someone from the East was comin’, in the hopes of stalling war.
Said his name was Dennis Rodman, some called him a demigod-man,
I thought him a very odd man, borderlining on a bore.
Stupid hair, and nothing more.

Basketball was not my fancy – grown men getting much too dancey.
I preferred what John DeLancie in old Star Trek had in store.
Still the Rodman came and seated, and he sat down and repeated
All the teams he up and beated – he was feared and oft abhorred.
Lacking interest in his balling, for I had a higher calling,
Asked I then, “But aren’t you crawling back to the Bulls’ embracing door?”
Quoth the Rodman, “Nevermore.”

Strong was he, with muscles poofing. Not the one to gawk in goofing,
I thought they’d make bulletproofing. “Join my army,” I implored.
Rodman feigned to not quite hear it, but he now is here in spirit,
As I force my men fear it – if he comes back, blood will pour.
Dennis set the bar much higher. Hope my troops will be inspired,
When I say his blood is fire, and if our morale gets poor,
They’ll be living – nevermore!

A++ — If anything will help our relationship with North Korea, it’s poetry. Poetry and Dennis Rodman. (North Korea likes poetry, right? Pretty sure they’re known for that.)

It's the Worm!(Credit: BRIAN BAHR/AFP/Getty Images)

It’s the Worm! (Credit: BRIAN BAHR/AFP/Getty Images)

You’re a little man by Beach Sloth
Judge Spares Man Long Sentence Because Of Height

Stabbing people in the face all over the place
You’re a disgrace to the human race
By the grace of the court
You are to report to county jail
You are nobody’s lunch pail
You’d better be grateful
I’m not as hateful
You’ll serve your time
You’ll have me on your mind
Somebody could have had you as lunch meat
You would have been somebody’s delectable treat
I want no retort
You’re too short
For me at least
But for a state prison beast
For them you would have risen like yeast
State prison would have eaten you up like a sumptuous feast
Among America’s citizens you are worth the least

B- — You know, the flow ain’t bad but your beats and samples could use some work. You sound like a second rate Rza.

Cops: Woman Choked Man For Taking Covers In Bed by J. Bradley
Cops: Woman Choked Man For Taking Covers In Bed

I did everything right, held surprise safety drills,
made him wear a copy of Tina Turner’s
scalp on occasion; Officer, allow me to explain.
I warned him not to choose his sleep number
as a safe phrase.

A+ — What’s love got to do with it, J?

Alright! There we have it. All the poems I wanted to show you. I hope that left you with a good feeling inside. As if a kitten is stuck inside your chest cavity. Which might be bad, cause there probably ain’t a whole lot of air in there. We should probably poke holes in you.

Anyway… I need you guys to submit more articles. Everyone! Something fun, something silly, ANYTHING. To find out how, click here. Seriously, I can’t keep doing this if people aren’t submitting poems. Remember, no poem is too stupid. In fact, stupid is preferred.

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